Something's Gotta Give: It's bad...It's Cat in the Hat bad.

by James

There is absolutely positively absolutely no reason for you to watch the movie. Seriously. Whatever reason you think you have, you are wrong.

Why?

Well because the entire plot, plus everything good about this movie is available in the trailer. The mis-leading trailer fashioned by either the most stupid people on the face of the Earth, or a bunch of marketing geniuses.

You see, there is nothing even remotely funny or worthwhile available to you, when you watch the movie, that you haven't already seen in the trailer.

• Amanda Peet in a bikini? In the trailer.

• All jokes in the entire movie: In the trailer.

• All hot young women in the movie: In the trailer.

• Entire plot line, complete with the obvious ending: In the trailer.

• Frontal nudity of Diane Keaton: Not in the trailer.

Well that's great isn't it? Anything you would watch a movie to see, you get from the trailer, and everything that is worse than having a baby stomp you in the nuts and puking on to your face as you lay writhing on the floor, IS what you get for watching the movie in it's entirity.

The movie starts off innocently enough, we see Jack Nicholson, driving out to the beach with Amanda Peet, she doesn't look good, but we aren't completely bummed because (THANKS TO THAT FUCKING TRAILER) we know we're gonna see her sans a lot of her clothes pretty soon.

They get to the house, she starts to strip into her underwear, and pins Jack to the bed.

THIS IS THE CLIMAX OF THE MOVIE

You know I mean it when I type it in a font bigger than my title.

You might as well just turn the movie off right now, believe me, you ain't missing out on anything if you do. Well, except for about an hour and fifty minutes of torture, a solid fifteen minutes worth of which is simply Diane Keaton crying. But more on that later.

Keaton walks in and finds them, and she and her sister despite the awkard situation they findthemselves in, and MUCH to the dismay of the audience and Jack Nicholson, decide to stay. They eat dinner and Jack has a heart-attack.

Enter Keanu Reeves.

Reeves plays Jack's doctor, and there is a little hilarious dialogue about whether or not Jack's taken Viagra. OH NO WAIT, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN HILARIOUS IF I HADN'T HAVE SEEN IT IN THE TRAILER A BILLION TIMES PRIOR.

Reeves meets Diane Keaton and we see that he would love nothing more than to bone her right there in his doctor's outfit, and her GOD AWFUL turtle-neck sweaters. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, she's a playwright who's suffering from some serious writer's block. Interesting. As long as the movie doesn't pan out with her getting over her block by writing a play about her perils, will be alright. Man that's the most cliched plot ever. They definitely won't do that. Right? I mean, right?

Nicholson is told that he has to stay with Keaton at her beach-house for a while, which doesn't thrill either of them, but for the sake of his health and the plot, they both agree.

It's late on the first night in the house together, when disaster strikes. No, wait I didn't really make that clear enough.

DISASTER STRIKES, THAT WILL MOST LIKELY SCAR YOUR EYES FOREVER. THINK NEO IN MATRIX REVOLUTIONS.

It's late and Jack wanders the house, and what does he find? Could it be the toilet? Could it be a porno on TV? Could it be Scarlett Johansson lost and half-naked in the rain? NO. What does he find? Diane Keaton naked.

I'm not going to say anything more on the subject, except that no one should ever think that 56 is a good age to show your tits on the big screen.

Upon seeing this, Jack hits the wall and it's fuck funny when he says "Oh my god I'm sorry...oh god I AM sorry". It could have been a hundred times funnier though...You know how? By NOT HAVING SEEN IT ALREADY IN THE TRAILER.

Time passes. Keanu and Diane go on a date and he tells her that she is...sexy. He even manages to say it with a straight face, maybe he is a good actor after all.

Being the man-whore that he is, Jack can't stand the fact that he's in the same house as a single woman and decides to go all out to claim her woman-hood. So he takes her for a walk on the beach. A long as shit walk on the beach that may be so boring that the mind literally shuts down.

They get home and have sex, and yet again, proving that there isn't in fact a god, ANOTHER FUCKING DIANE KEATON TIT SHOT. Well her in a bra, but it's pretty much just as bad.

Around this time, Keanu tells Jack that if he can climb a flight of stairs, then he can have sex. So Jack sets out to conquer his Everest, climbing the randomly placed stair-cases that for no reason other than for the plot are placed strategically all over the beach. How convenient for him.

Jack is finally in a state to leave Diane "Oldest tits on television" Keaton's house o' love, so he high-tails it out of there in search of some young nookie. Keaton breaks down and cries because she loves him. The audience weeps.

I wonder if you've seen Armaggedon. Have you? You know the part when Bruce Willis' face is up on the blue screen and he says he's gonna have to "break his promise". Now be honest, did you cry? I did, and so did Liv Tyler, hell it was sad as shit. Have you seen Deep Impact? You know the really sad part when the kid realises his WHOLE FUCKING FAMILY IS ABOUT TO DIE. How long did he cry for? Really, a minute?

Yet, in this movie, a ROMANTIC COMEDY, Diane Keaton defies all possible logic and CRIES FOR FIFTEEN SOLID MINUTES STRAIGHT.

After watching this movie, my girl-friend told me that she now officially loves Keanu Reeves, I don't argue, shit he was Neo, and you don't argue when a girl tells you she loves the One. Usually though, I grow to hate people my girl-friend has a thing for, in this case however, I just had to step back, fall to me knees and say...

THANK GOD FOR KEANU REEVES.

I didn't say this once for the duration of the Matrix Trilogy (looks like he just can't leave that "stopping the bullets" pose behind - it just doesn't have that cool effect with a peach though), but I find myself saying it here, in Something's Gotta Give, because he is the un-deniable force, the only person in the universe capable of getting Diane Keaton to SHUT THE FUCK UP.

They get together.

Jack does some soul searching. And grows a bad-ass beard.

Time passes again. And the only thing we're wondering is how much fucking longer we have to sit through this.

Jack pays Amanda Peet a visit, who is now married and pregnant. She tells him that Diane is in Paris. Gee that's fitting. So off Jack goes, clean shaven, to Paris, to win back the woman that he loves.

Of all the bars/restaurants/cafe's/old people's homes in Paris, lucky old Jack in some cosmic twist of fate, manages to find Diane, who's is celebrating her 200th birthday with none other than Mr. Reeves. Jack joins them for the meal, and Keanu realises that she still loves him. Jack I mean, not Keanu. So he gives her his blessing to get with Jack, and Keanu returns home having been beaten by a guy twice his age, less handsome, balding and without a hit movie in the last five years. We finally no the answer to who would win a fight between Neo and the Joker.

Thus the ending.

What did this movie do for Jack Nicholson's fan base? Absolutely nothing, if anything it only intensified the hate levelled at him after he starred in a Helen Hunt movie. And oh yeah, Diane Keaton gets over her writer's block by writing a play based on her life with Jack Nicholson, at least the ending was original.