Talent wasted, talent emerging, just plain talent, or a lack thereof - there
are so many different facets to the topic of talent. Of course, when I want
to discuss it, I want to choose a medium that lots of people can relate to,
and knows enough about to understand - the entertainment industry.
There are a lot of people in today's entertainment industry who suck. I
don't mean they're not very good, not very funny, or not very convincing, I
just mean that they really suck. However, there are a few people, a small
number who actually got to their lofty position of A-List performer, not
through their network of friends, but through actual, undisputed, raw
talent.
Enter exhibit A:
An
Ode to Talent Wasted
It's very true to say that Eddie Murphy inspired an entire generation
of stand-up comedians. It's also very true to say that he is probably one of
the least funny people recent cinema, who's resume reads like a who's who of
shitty cinema nut sacks.
I mean, look at the movies he's made over the last ten years:
1. The Haunted Mansion
2. Daddy Day Care
3. I Spy
4. The Adventures of Pluto Nash
5. Showtime
6. Dr. Dolittle 1 and 2
7. Bowfinger
8. Shrek
9. Nutty Professor 1 and 2
10. Holy Man
Which one of those movies was good? Alright Shrek was, and Bowfinger was
pretty funny, but only because of the genius of Steve Martin.
I was watching some of Chris Rock's stand up the other night, and it
was really, really good, my favourite part was when he was talking about
women who say they don't need or want a man to help raise their kids:
"Yeah you could do it without a man, but that don't
mean it's to be done. Shit, you could drive a car with your feet if ya want
to, that don't make it a good fckin' idea!"
Anyway, it was funny, but at no point was it ever as good as Eddie Murphy's
was.
His stand-up shows (Delerious and Raw) have always been the
best I've ever seen. And to this day, I'm pretty sure I'll never see another
as good. His impressions are spot on, and his jokes are fucking hillarious.
His sketches are great, and I don't think anyone on this entire planet can
say the word "fuck" like he can.
So how the hell did he go from funniest man in the world in the mid 1980's,
to playing second fiddle to an animated green troll who bathes in shit and
is voiced by Mike "I have made no successful movie other than Austin
Powers" Myers?
And the sad thing is that people still love him and watch his movies, no
matter how godawful they are. I know that for a fact, because I'm one of
them. I've seen every single one of those movies up there on that list, and
I'll see Daddy Day Camp (yes they're really making that) when it
comes out.
In fact, let me give you a couple of figures to bounce around in your head.
Keeping in mind how dire Murphy's movies for the past decade have been:
Salaries:
-
Shrek: $10 million
-
The Adventures of Pluto Nash: $20 million
-
Dr. Dolittle II: $20 million
-
Nutty Professor II: $20 million + 20% of the gross
-
Dr. Dolittle II: $17 million
-
The Nutty Professor: $12 million
-
Beverly Hills Cop III: $15 million
Agh.
I hate to see it, but I don't think that my very own cinema idol would be
out of place in the category of talent wasted. Quentin Tarantino,
what's going on?
There was a time, in the not so distant past when he was hailed as the
greatest prospect in cinema on the planet. But lately I just don't know what
the fuck's going on, because it's pretty much been ALL down-hill since
Pulp Fiction.
I don't care who you are, you can say Kill Bill is a good movie all
you like, I won't dispute you. I disagree, but I won't argue. What everyone
has to admit though, is it is absolutely nothing compared to what Fiction
and even Reservoir Dogs was.
And let me tell you why: It's a kung-fu movie, that's driven by action. And
any Tom, Dick and Harry can write action. Shit, even Louis and I made an
action video. And that's where his talent is truly wasted, in his attempts
to conquer ever fucking film genre under the sun.
Just accept it man, you were born to write really fucking good dialogue, and
cool movies about cool hit-men/gangsters, drugs and organised crime.
Next film after Kill Bill vol 2? A war story. Let's just hope that
Inglorious Bastards is more about dialogue between the soldiers than the
bombing/ass-raping via missiles of enemy soliders.
Ofcourse, on the flip side of Eddie Murphy's talent wasted, we also
have talent emerging, moreorless in the form of Jack Black.
A Story of Real Comedic Talent
He's been around for fucking ages. You just never heard or saw anything of
him till recently. However, he really hit the main-stream when he appeared
in support of John Cusack in High Fidelity, as the quirky shop
clerk, Barry.
Now, he's just done School of Rock and is currently working on his
Tenacious D movie, which will almost definitely be massive.
A couple of High Fidelity quotes, which you shouldn't really need,
because you probably qualify for the death sentence if you haven't seen this
movie already:
Barry:
Rob, I'm telling you this for your own good, that's the worst fuckin'
sweater I've ever seen, that's a Cosby sweater.
[Imitating Cosby]
Barry:
A Cosssssssby sweater. Did Laura let you leave the house like that?
Barry:
Holy shite. What the fuck is that?
Dick:
It's the new Belle and Sebastian...
Rob:
It's a record we've been listening to and enjoying, Barry.
Barry:
Well, that's unfortunate, because it sucks ass.
[After Rob turns off Barry's tape]
Barry:
Ok buddy, uh, I was just tryin' to cheer us up so go ahead. Put on some old
sad bastard music, see if I care.
Barry:
How about the Jesus and Mary Chain?
Barry's
Customer: They always seemed . . .
Barry:
They always seemed what? They always seemed really great is what they always
seemed. They picked up where your precious Echo left off, and you're sitting
around complaining about no more Echo albums. I can't believe you don't own
this fucking record. (tosses the record to the customer and walks away)
That's insane. Jesus.
I really like writers. And in my head, I have three names, who I bounce
around as just really good, really solid talents. But I have to say, tipped
by the awesomeness of my newfound favourite movie of all-time, Eternal
Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, I've just got to hail Charlie Kaufman
as the best talent in cinema writing right now.
(The other two were Tarantino and Paul Thomas Anderson)
I
don't know how many people have had the privelage of seeing Eternal
Sunshine yet, but I'd really recommend it to anyone, because it's really
an awesome movie.
I won't hesitate to say that Kaufman is the weirdest guy on Earth,
but at the same time, his writing is just so unique that you have to call it
genius.
>Being John Malkovich
A puppeteer discovers a hidden doorway in his office, which turns out to be
a portal into John Malkovitch (the famous actor)'s mind. Upon entering the
portal, one gets to be inside Malkovitch's mind for 15 odd minutes. As with
any great discovery of this century, the ultimate question immediately
arises : 'How can we make money out of this?' He and his co-worker promptly
set out to exploit this discovery. It doesn't take long for things to go
haywire
>Adaptation
Frequently cynical screenwriter Charlie Kaufman has just taken on a new
assignment. That is, to adapt writer Susan Orlean's "The Orchid Thief" into
a screenplay, all of it based on the life of the eccentric John Laroche, an
exotic plant collector based out of Florida. While his easygoing twin
brother Donald, is writing scripts with ease, Charlie finds himself on a
perpetual struggle that never seems to end, dealing with inadequacy, and the
impossibility of adapting this book.
>Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Joel (Jim Carrey) is stunned to discover that his girlfriend Clementine
(Kate Winslet) has had her memories of their tumultuous relationship erased.
Out of desperation, he contracts the inventor of the process, Dr. Howard
Mierzwaik (Tom Wilkinson), to have Clementine removed from his own memory.
But as Joel's memories progressively disappear, he begins to rediscover
their earlier passion. From deep within the recesses of his brain, Joel
attempts to escape the procedure. As Dr. Mierzwiak and his crew (Kristen
Dunst, Mark Ruffalo, Elijah Wood) chase him through the maze of his
memories, it's clear that Joel just can't get her out of his head.
I have absolutely no clue how you think up shit like that.
Anyway, which moves us onto the last topic of call.
A Distinct Lack of Talent, in Any Way Shape or Form
Hello Jason Biggs thanks for dropping by.
Now I'm sure that there are loads of people that love Jason Biggs.
Actually, no wait a minute, I'm not. Are there? Why would you? I mean, he's
not so handsome that you'd love him despite his inability to act or do
comedy, he's not funny at all, and in the sea of Hollywood A-listers, he's
certainly not the one with the most money. So why?
WHY GOD WHY?
I fucking hate him, oh my god, I'd better stop and move the hell on before I
bust a nut.
Orlando Bloom. He's carved out a wondful little Hollywood niche for
himself. Just like Hugh Grant will always play shy guys, Matthew
Perry will always play sarcastic guys and Freddie Prinze Jr. will
always play pussy-wipped guys, Orlando Bloom will be fine, just as
long as he can find a load of movies that require him to play a guy who
shoots arrows, has long blonde hair, speaks epicly and is named Legolas.
I mean seriously, what the hell is up with that. I could have sworn a couple
of times in Ned Kelly in the final shoot-out scene, I saw him reach
for his back and then realise that he didn't have a stash of arrows or an
Elven bow.
I love the part in Return of the King when the horses are a little
startled and he looks over and all he has to say is "the horses". Except
it's not just "The horses", it's "Look.....(stare intently)....(smell the
wind)....the...Hoooorssssus...(narrow his eyes).
I wonder if he actually thinks that he can live forever.
Anyway, that's the end of my article. I shouldn't ever write this much, I'm
going to order some pizza now and then go to sleep. Be cool! And if you have
talent, then use it! :)
