Dear Steven Sommers,

My name is James Thoo, a writer over at www.suckball.com and an avid movie-watcher. I was recently at the cinema, and after being bowled over by your fantastic trailer, I realised that I just had to see Van Helsing. If not I feared that my life may have just ended right there and then.

Needless to say, I loved it.

After watching it, and thinking about it for a couple of minutes on the way home, I just had the following questions for you, as while I really really loved your movie, I don't feel that I have truly appreciated until I can understand the following:

1) The Werewolves - I love movies where not only am I seeing some awesome film, but I am learning something at the same time. Being a star-gazer myself, I will surely be visiting Transylvania at some point over the next year or so, as the view must be amazing in a place that apparently has a full moon every single night.

What I was wondering though, was how, if the werewolves return to human form whenever the full moon so much as is blocked by the clouds, how when we first see Kate Beckinsale's character and her brother, they are fighting the original Werewolf, in full and clear day-light?

2) The Masqureade Party - Dracula remarks that he has no intention of a trade, and he believes that Van Helsing doesn't either. So what was the point of it? NOTE: Sorry, I realised that this scene does in fact have a reason - there was no other way to reveal that much of Kate Beckinsale's cleavage. Good call.

3) The Antidote - They say that Dracula kept an antidote to the Werewolf "virus", as only a Werewolf could kill him, so if one tried to, he would simply just inject them with the cure. What I don't understand is, why keep an antiodote, when you could just keep, say, a gun with silver bullets?

And if it's purpose was to save his life, would he not be inclined to maybe keep it on a chain around his neck, or in the back pocket of his jeans? As opposed to the farthermost tower to the part of his lair that he frequents?

And since it was so coveted, why didn't he hide it? Either as I mentioned around his neck, or I don't know, behind the couch or something? As opposed to alone in the centre of an un-guarded tower in a glass sphere?

4) Van Helsing himself - I made a mental note, there are seven 'monsters' that Van Helsing needs to slay through the duration of the movie.:

• Dr Jekyl/Mr Hyde - Trips over the top of the church and kills himself.
• 3 Vampire Brides - Van Helsing kills one of them.
• Werewolf - Van Helsing kills him.
• Frankenstein's Monster - Is a good guy, so need to kill him anymore.
• Dracula - Van Helsing kills him, while in Werewolf form.

Now, keeping that in mind, in the grand scheme of things, despite being armed with far superior, other-worldly technology, Van Helsing is only able to kill a grand total of 3 of his enemies. And of those three, the bride is killed via him shooting roughly five billion arrows in random directions, realising his stupidity, dipping his cross bow in holy water and loosing another six thousand and actually hitting the bride with ONE of his arrows. And Dracula is killed, simply because he's weak against Werewolves, and lest we forget, Van Helsing was armed with the godly enhanced strength of lycanthropy, such that even had it been Screech from Saved by the Bell, he still would have been able to beat Dracula.

The Werewolf is beaten after being absolutely fucking ass-raped by Dracula and electric bolts, he's then shot by Van Helsing who is standing off-screen. Awesome.

Can we honestly even call Van Helsing a hero?

5) Dracula's Lair - If the only entrance was the map/portal (nice!) in Kate Beckinsale's house, how did Dracula get to and from it?

6) The 12 Chimes of Midnight - After the clock chimed twelve times, Van Helsing would have been a Werewolf for life, right? I like how you made the clock only chime audibly once, so as to allow them to fight as long as you like. You right on this one, cohesive plot logistics are far less important than having a good, un-interrupted musical score.

Even though the final fight took about twenty minutes to end, I don't see how it's possible that the clock did not make it's full twelve chimes.

NOTE: Sorry again, I realised that a big clock, like Big Ben can take up to two minutes to complete the twelve chimes, therefore it's feasible that a clock the size of Dracula's could take half an hour to chime. I like this idea, as it creates a cool concept whereby Werewolves that carry small wrist-watches turn back to human form faster than those that hang out next to giant clocks. Cool!

7) The Invulnerability of Kate Beckinsale - Through the duration of the movie, Kate is smashed in the face, falls from the sky, smacked into a pillar, smacked into a tile roof, falls off a tile roof and bludgeoned into a tree from fifty feet, then when it comes to the right part of the movie, Van Helsing in Werewolf form pushes her onto Dracula's couch and she dies.

I like this, as it shows clearly the duality of Kate Beckinsale's character, her strength and her vulnerability. Nice job Steve!

8) Kate is the Last of her Family - Many times during the movie, Dracula refers to his ultimate goal of killing off Kate Beckinsale, that that's 'ALL' he has to do. If this was such an important goal, why did the brides not just slit her throat when they had her cornered at the start, instead of fucking around for half an hour and then flying off of their own accord just because one of the brides was slain?

9) Teleportation - Many times during the movie, you show that Dracula and his brides have the power to either move faster that the human eye, or simply teleport. If this is the case, why not:

• A) Teleport to Kate Beckinsale's house, kill her and kill Van Helsing?
• B) Whenever they see either Kate or Helsing, just move really fucking fast and slit both their throats, case closed?

 

Overall, I'd just like to congratulate you on having the directorial balls to make a movie where the entire premise is that Dracula needs to electrocute Frankenstein's monster so that his babies won't explode into green goo. As absolutely one hundred percent gay maximum stupid that sounds, man, you really have the talent to pull it off. And the balls to put your name on the credits. Good show!

Thanks for a great movie experience,

I anticipate your response,

James.

PS. This movie was bad. I would usually add loads of metaphors and similies, but I just can't be bothered to think of anything other than "as bad as sweaty monkey crotch".