by James
THE ULTIMATE CHRISTMAS SHOPPING GUIDE
Well the Christmas season is most definitely upon us. Over-zealous soccer moms and overly romantic single Star Wars geek virgins are already starting to put up their Christmas trees and stupidly priced window dandruff stuff.
And even though a lot of thought is put into Christmas gifts - I know that I regularly have been known to spend up to five maybe ten minutes deciding - you invaribly regret what you've bought when your girlfriend asks you seductively if she can exchange that Death Cab album you got her in a desperate and ultimately futile attempt to make her a better person, for a Destiny's Child megamix.
Anyways, fear not, because AMAZON.COM has a massive gift guide thing going on, I've made a couple of comments on some of their choices, and added one of my own...
ANOTHER FUCKING BEST OF ELVIS ALBUM
Price: $26.99
While it may be true that some people are harder to shop for than others, that can't be said for those aging hipsters or geek kids who are trapped in a quantum vacuum where it is always 1950.
Who still buys Elvis albums? Surely if you like the guy's music, you've already bought an album, lord knows you've had time to. And if you're only just hearing about Mr Pressley, well then maybe you'd better also invest in a colour television, a microwave oven and one of those new fangled metal boxes with wheels, known to the cultural elite as "automobiles". And fucking move on, anyway! There's way better shit out nowadays. Get yourselves a Third Eye Blind album.
CHRISTMAS SOCKS
Price: $12.00
You know someone hates you, didn't care or simply didn't have the time to get you a present when you unwrap that soft bundle and find a pair of socks with Christmas Trees on them. What makes it worse is that not only are they shit, but you then have to do that customary "whoa just what I needed" head nod without a hint of remorseful inflexion, lest the grandparent who bought them keel over and die. Let me give you a tip: Can't be bothered? No time? No ideas? Give money. If we want socks we'll fucking buy them.
Little Boys' Snow Sport (5-8 years) 4-in-1 Parka Jacket
Price: $99.50 (THAT'S RIGHT)
When kids are between the ages of 5-8, a suitable gift is a rock with a light on it. That's all the criteria. As long as it makes a noise, lights up and breaks shit when you throw it around, a 5 year old kid will be happy. So imagine his joy when his best friend opens a Turbo Man 5000 and he opens his brand new ... "Ridiculously over compartmentalised winter jacket oh yeah only one more month until it warm weather is back and your gift is therefore undoubtedly null and void"?
Rock oN!
What's even better, is that Amazon writes: "..if your boy loves Transformers, he'll get a kick out this jacket that converts from nylon shell to fleece warm-up to ski parka."
Oh hell yeah. Hell. Yeah.
When all the other kids on the black are restaging Galvatron's final cataclysmic battle with Rodimus Prime deep within Unikron's heart, while simultaneously having Bruticus and Fortress Maximus duke it out for the rightful inheritence of Alpha Trion, I'm SURE that the coolest kid of the bunch is gonna be the one who is toasty warm but has no toy so is resigned to sitting at the side making machine gun noises. The transformers didn't even use machine guns.
Geotrax Coastal Winds Airport
Price: $24.99
Just as a rock with a light on it constitutes a legitimate gift for a 5 year old, lint from the shower drain is a perfectly viable one for toddlers. Therefore why not splash out on the Geotrax Coastal Winds Airport playset, currently retailing at a modest $24.99??
It has everything a baby needs!
Bright colours, excellent workmanship, posable scenery, life like planes.. Because we all know that for kids whose sole interest on television is a talking purple dinosaur, realism is the clincher when it comes to choosing play things.
In short, this playset has everything a baby needs to entertain himself for the rest of the year by picking up the plastic aeroplanes and smashing them on the runway while shouting "PFFBBTTTTT" and salivating.
The Time Traveler's Wife
Price: $ who cares its fucking worth it
I've read Fight Club. But if I was given the opportunity to have read any book, it'd be this one. It's fucking amazing. Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston own the film rights to it. I hope Pitt casts himself in the lead. You need to read this book.
You also need to get off the computer and stimulate your brain some..
A CLUE FOR TOM CRUISE
Price: $ Priceless
Now, as much as pretty much everyone say this to immediately launches into a tirade of insults, I honestly believe that Tom Cruise is in the top five actors of his generation.
Varied roles, good looks and (the gold standard of the entertainment industry) Steven Spielberg's nuts, are all well and good but they're no substitute for raw talent.
You saw Magnolia, right?
Anyway, aside from his acting ability I genuinely had respect for the guy, I mean you saw Batman Forever, right? Nicole Kidman can be fucking gorgeous.
But over the past couple of months, Tom has gone from Bad ass legitimate actor, to suddenly being one child molestation away from Michael Jackson's very own brand of fucking crazy.
Suddenly all the dumb shit he did in the past is starting to make sense... That film about cheating on your wife with girls who wear masks, to the inspired soundtrack of a cat walking up and down a bunch of piano keys for three hours (Eyes Wide Shut). Jumping on Oprah's couch... Let's face it the man is a fucking lunatic.
All he really needs for Christmas though, is for someone to just make him SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Alternatively, you could just get him something he'd really enjoy and lets face it from what we've seen from him lately, you could give him a jar into which you had previously farted and he'd go fucking nuts with joy, but if you really wanted to lighten up his day you could get him something he'd appreciate, like a souveneir from the slime pits of Blargon 7.
MADONNA - SELF-TITLED
Price: $15.99
There are often times when I feel like I shouldn't bother living any more. For example, when I get a bad result on a test, see that The Sweetest Thing made over $50m at the box-office, acknowledge Nick Lachey is still living. For times like that, you need a soundtrack, some music that suits your mood. And that is why God gave us Madonna.
Furthermore, if you take out the cover insert you can use it to wipe your ass in times of emergency.
THINGS TO BUY JAMES
HEAT (2 DISC SPEC ED)
From: All good movie stores
It's an interesting phenomenon. I own three copies of Fight Club (one of which my ex fucking broke), two copies of Magnolia and three copies of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (one of which i have not yet opened, nor do I have any intention whatsoever of opening), but I only own the original single disc DVD of Heat that came out over a decade ago.
I mean fuck I own the bootleg, the original and the limited edition director's cut DVD of Donnie Darko and I fucking hate the film.
Heat is pretty much one of my favourite ever films. I mean not only does it have fantastic cast and scarily perfect dialogue, but it features a certain diner scene that packs so much talent and is so flawlessly shot that I would be more than willing to bet my left nut in conjunction with all six of my abs that it will never, ever be recreated.
Anyway somehow I don't own this yet. So I need it.
FIRST DIBS ON EMMA WATSON
From: Harry Potter & The Goblet of Fire
One more film a winner, I'm telling you. Even though every film is the same and ends with the exact same deus ex machina Dumbledore saves the day ending mechanism, I've still seen every single one. Alright the first one was worse than vaginal discharge, but I bet you've seen it too.
I can't call her hot now lest I condemn myself to paedophilia, so I am therefore recognising the potential, and calling first dibs on her for the years to come.
Who's gonna make a jail bait paedo joke first??!!!
And thus concludes the glorious list that I have written, hopefully this will stave off all of you update vultures for a while.