Dear Santa

 

 

Before I lay down my wishes for the festive season, I'd first like to congratulate on a job well done so far. I've never seen you and no-one has anyone else but everyone still manages to recieve gifts, if that's nothing something to be praised for then I don't know what is.

Now, without further ado...

1. Scarlett Johansson

As you can see this is my number one priority. Or your number one priority to supply me with. I would really appreciate this and to be honest, really need one. As you can see I said "one" not "her", I'm being flexible here, as you don't even have to supply me with the real Scarlett Johansson, a clone of some sort would be entirely satisfactory. Sure it sounds like a stretch, but you're stopping time, and pissing all over pretty much all rules of physics, so I figure you or one of your elves might be able to make this happen for me.

My brother bought me a Scarlett Johansson 2005 calender, but it isn't having quite as much impact on my life as I think having her would.

If the whole cloning thing is possible, I would appreciate it if when you're programming her, you just skip out the part of her memory where she was in a film with John Travolta and insert some kind of chip that removes any interest she has in seeing "The Horse Whisperer" as I don't think I could take it.


2. Peace in the Middle East

I'm serious man, I'm really worried about that whole situation. Sure the people dying and all that stuff's bad news, but most of all, I'll be damned if those bastards drag us into nuclear war before I've been double-teamed by Milla Jovovich/Sienna Guillory in full Resident Evil character, slapped Usher or road-raged a bicycle rider.


3. A Slave

This would be awesome if you could gimme the hook up. I've got way too much work to do at Uni, assignments and shit are infringing on my movie/sleep time. If there's a choice in the matter, I'd like the slave to be an attractive eighteen year old girl with brown hair who isn't big on clothes or talking.


4. An I-POD

Yeah I could probably achieve this myself, but they're fucking expensive. If you could help me out with this it's be awesome, and I know you can make it happen.


5. Usher to suddenly have shit pour out of his ears in the middle of a performance before dying.

Oh my god I hate Usher so much. He can sing, has abs and can dance. So fucking what. Yeah he has talent but he's a condescending bastard. Let the guy fall, come on. And I swear if you let him win a grammy, I'll kick your ass.


6. For John Travolta to cease to exist

I hate him, and he's made life really difficult for me. Sure Be Cool looks like it's gonna be good, but really, I can't go on with the thought that he is rich and I am not despite his chin and the fact that he's a massive goon. Please, help me out on this one, thanks.

7. No socks

For once. No socks from any relatives.


8. For Leeds United to win two games in a row

This one is not so much for myself, but for many people out there. This team has more fucking ups and downs than Jim Carrey, one week they can twat a team 6 - 1 and then the very next weekend lose to Rotherham. Rotherham, who hadn't won a game for a year before that. Please, give them a hand, Santa.


9. A tear in the space time continuum

I really need this. In particular, I need it to go back in time about four months and not spend so much money. I then need to use it to go about eighteen months back and not apply for Journalism, or at Salford University. Finally, I'd like to use it to go back about six months and never watch The Twins Effect II.



Alright, that pretty much sums things up, hope you can get all that stuff done for me, appreciate it loads. Take it easy and say hi to Ms. Clause,

James.