Last Samurai Review

Tom Cruise needed to fucking die

Before we go any further, let me first say that the movie is actually good.

I did enjoy the movie. Samurais are cool, there's no doubt about it.

Ninjas are cool too (and the movie DID include ninjas!)

I mean, Ken Watanabe (Katsumoto) was so extremely cool. By the

end of the movie, I was wishing to be a samurai dude.

I win. No one can argue that Ken Watanabe IS COOL.

So what was wrong with the movie?

Tom Cruise just needed to die. There isn't a doubt about that. Because he lived,

it ruined my movie. From something that could've been a relatively special,

it became a typical American type movie.

I mean, come on. They fire thousands of bullets and mortars at the samurais,

each and every samurai gets shot multiple times. Finally, after getting through

the first battalion, they meet a gatling gun and get MOWED down.

Equipped with two swords, the samurais hardly did any damage and they all

fucking died.

Except for Tom Cruise.

Everyone had so many bullet holes in them, they were shitting out lead. They were

dead in an instant!

Except for fucking Tom Cruise.

I'm sure that was no fault of his. The story was written by someone.

Three dumb things that someone must've thought.

1) "Hey, we'll have an army against the samurais, fire bullets at them,

kill everyone but the American...We'll give him a bullet wound just to

be a little realistic."

2) "Oh oh oh. How about this idea. How about, we get the American to kill

some random samurai dude right...and and...we'll make his wife take

care of him! Here's the cool bit, SHE FALLS IN LOVE WITH HIM A YEAR LATER!

YEA! I mean, all japanese chiqs want us Americans so badly"

3) "Right. So we'll have the samurais devote their entire life to training their

fighting abilities, sword skills and all that traditional crap. Then comes the

all-american-hero who almost beats their best fighter in less than a year

of training! Shit, people wish to be american."

Those are basically the biggest problems I have with the movie. I hated

how someone who hasn't been fighting for a long time (Tom Cruise at the

beginning of the movie was a drunk) could whoop and kill so many

samurais who devote their entire life to warfare (In the first battle)

You don't fall in love with someone who kills the one you love. Really.

It doesn't happen. She had kids too! Come on! How would you feel

is someone fucking stabs your dad and tries to become a father figure

for you?

What about Tom Cruise?

He did a decent job at best. There were scenes they shouldn't have even

put into the movie. For example;

The scene where he suddenly bursts out laughing. - Do you really suck that much?

Where he puts on the clothes and proceeded to be a dumbass jumping around - Wtf?

The scene where he's talking to the kid who cried - Man, the kid did so much better than Crooze.

Thats it.

Bye.