The ultimate definitive sex guide

No really, this is really the most ultimate sex guide ever. Just note that i'm not going through the fuss of how to get someone into bed in the first place. This guide starts when she's already at your place/car/back alley, your dirty hands down her pants and the strong scent of sex growing. Yes my man, you're going to fuck her.

But are you going to fuck her good?

The answer is no, because you've not read this guide.

Part 1 - The basics

*To achieve great sex, you can't afford to skip ANY of these parts.

-Environment

If your room resembles anything like that pig sty above, great sex will be impossible. Environment is a very important factor, this applies for both men and women. In fact, if i was about to fuck the most amazingly hot woman and she brings me back to her room to which i accidentally step on food she's left around for a week, unless she looks like this i'm not going to be enjoying myself.

Women - Men EXPECT women to want to shower at least once a day, have neat little handwriting and of course, a clean little room. I guess it's unfair for men to just assume all women have clean rooms, but that's life isn't it? Live with it, tidy up a little. Men are generally dirtier than women, so don't be surprised if he gives you the line "lets go to your place instead". Simply, women - if you're gonna get any, ensure your room doesn't smell like a morgue.

Men - Its hard to keep a room clean, trust me i know this. But as long as your room doesn't smell like the rotting chicken in your trash can, you could get by. Oh but however, if your room smelt of scented candles, dimly lit and a comfy bed with fluffy cloud pillows, you're half-way there my man. Girls ask for a lot don't they.

-Foreplay @ Four play

So now you're in her room, your tongues are passionately locked together, she's grabbing your crotch while you're grabbing her titties AND your hand is down her pants. The question is, how long should this go on for before you get your pecker wet?

1. Hair 2. Ears 3. Mouth 4. Neck 5. Arms/back 6. Breasts 7. Stomach 8. Butt 9. Dick/vagina.

Women - Men don't expect much. Foreplay to us would be the combination of 1, 3, 4, 9. A further elaboration would be - kiss us while playing with our hair/head, kiss our neck for maybe 2 seconds before you get down to suck our dick. We're simpletons, nothing feels better than our dick getting sucked, so uhm, would you please hurry up?

Men - These "women" species expect a lot. They expect so much that they usually ask for the impossible so it's up to us to decide how much they get. In their fantasy, they expect the combination of 152874678261288477891226713678264781274617287481239999912647132999929299399949996969
before the sex even begins. In reality, all they get is 1, 3, 4, 9 because that's exactly what we want. I'm sorry, but our 1349 combination is just not quite enough for them. Just be creative and make sure all the erogenous zones neatly labeled above are at least touched. Whatever the case, it is imperative that foreplay with a woman lasts four minutes, anything more would be appreciated....but ever EVER less. Foreplay doesn't just include your hands/mouth venturing to places though, women like to hear they're beautiful, have a great ass and you can't wait to fuck her brains out. Be careful of what you say though....(read next section)

Remember the rule (and this applies for women too) - Foreplay = four play.

-Language/Audio

Now the fun begins. Both of you are doing things that are banned on television (in some countries) and all your clothes are nearly off. Both panting like dogs, both horny as fucking ever, both making little moans as more is being done.

Women - Men LOVE to hear women moan. LOVES. I mean like seriously. LOVES. If you're wondering why kissing a guy sometimes makes him moan, it's because he wants to hear you moan too. By the way, did I mention guys love to hear women moan? Guys love to hear women moan because it makes us feel like we did something right....sorta like an ego boost. So women if you're shy about moaning, don't be. In addition, we also like our women vulgar*, so if you could sneak in a "i want you to fuck me now" to signal the four minutes are up. It would honestly drive us crazy.

Men - Women love compliments, give them compliments. Simple. Please don't say things like "you suck better than all of my other girlfriends".....uhm. F

*Some men like to hear their women vulgar. If your man only had sex with you after marriage, i strongly suggest you do NOT use vulgarities. He'd be wondering whether he married a devil and would probably exorcise you.

-BONUS SECTION

Men - Little bonus points will be given if you're able to remove her clothes skillfully. Like using one hand to remove her bra, unbutton her buttons or whatever. So practice, it isn't that difficult. If you were to fumble, pinch her accidentally or just take too bloody long, it's just not cool. Plus, it's just so awesome to be able to just use one hand.

Women - You'll lie so often anyway, so whats wrong with another white lie? Along with hearing you moan, we would also like to hear things like "God it's so huge!". It's beneficial to both sides of the party, for the men because it's an ego boost, for the ladies because now the men would be trying extra hard (heh.) to please you.




Part 2 - Coming soon

Includes car sex tutorial, bathroom sex, staircase sex, living room sex and even parent's bedroom sex!