Dear Steven Sommers

My name is Louis Tan, a writer/genius over at www.suckball.com and I wanted to commend you on the excellent movie you recently produced named "Van Helsing".  Both of us (James and I) thoroughly enjoyed your movie, in fact, both of us vehemently agree that Van Helsing should be nominated for an oscar because it was just that damn good!

However, there are several questions that I have to ask as I do not understand the movie entirely. Please take no offence because i'm sure it is because common folk such as myself, lack the intellect to understand your brilliant thoughts and ideas. This is why I am writing this letter to you, in hopes that you would grace me with your brilliance and help me further understand your perfection, your masterpiece.

Van Helsing.

1. Van Helsing -The name everybody fears

I just don't know why that makes me break into a laughing seizure every time I hear or say it. For the life of me, I could not in any way fear the name Van Helsing - even if I was looking down the barrel of a rocket launcher, hanging upside down off a helicopter and a threat to anally rape me unless I fear the name Van Helsing. You know, I think I fear my highschool math teacher's name more than I do Van Helsing and her name is Mrs Beulah, but that's irrelevant.

2. Luck

I thought it was pushing it a little when Frankenstein fell off the top of dracula's skyscraper castle, managed to grab onto some high voltage electricity cables which broke, but he continues to grab onto....MORE cables that just happen to be right in front of him. To top that off, he gets a random cable a thousand feet in the air that swings him into a window, smacks a dracula at 100 miles an hour, saving Kate Beckinsale seconds from imminent doom. Maybe you should've named the movie
"Good guys are always lucky" or something. When Van Helsing was about to get his crotch crushed by the carriage, he is oh-so-fortunate to have Frankenstein reach down MICRO MILLISECONDS before he got killed, I thought, man, this Van Helsing guy is sure lucky

3. How werewolves work

I assume from your movie that humans only turn into werewolves when they are in direct moonlight because they transform back into humans when the clouds block the moon.

   

Unless the clouds are some sort of magical barrier against the moon light, why is it that they are werewolves when they are in the castle? Last I remembered, the castle wasn't made of glass, surely there were times where the wolf was not in direct moonlight, why was it that he remained werewolf? Oh I don't know, please forgive my idiocy for I do not understand you.

4. The plot

Forgive my insolence, but is there a plot? From what I gather, Van Helsing is four centuries old and he was the one who killed the count in the first place and took his ring when he cut off his finger. It was about that time - the king vowed to kill count dracula or may his bloodline be damned forever. So Van Helsing is the king? SOOOooooo....Van Helsing kissed Kate Beckinsale who is the great great great great great grand daughter of the king....well, I don't know, but I think that was blatantly incestuous.

Or maybe i'm looking at the whole thing wrong and I just don't understand the movie.....but that still doesn't explain why Van Helsing is able to live four centuries long? A hint...maybe?...pretty please?

So that's pretty much it. Drop me a mail at fcukfest@hotmail.com , but i'm sure you have better things to do with your time like think of movie titles like Van Helsing - The name everybody fears or write/direct excellent movies such as this. As said perfectly in James' article, I too applaud your ability to produce a movie based on the premise that Dracula needs to electrocute Frankenstein so that his babies won't explode into green goo.

*In case you idiots fail to realise, this letter thing is completely and utterly sarcastic. Van Helshit...i mean Helsing is possibly the worst hyped up movie in existence. It lacked plot, the action scenes were terrible and it just plain sucked. Pain factor - stick electrodes onto testicles and proceed to pump 1000 watts of electricity into them......while watching your parents performing oral sex on each other.