First up, am I jealous of Michael Buble? No shit I am. I would trade my life and at least through blood family members for a sniff of the kind of luck that boy has. Also, I’ll be totally honest, I don’t really know a thing about the guy - he could be an awesome fella, but right now I’m in a massive funk. Usually I look at him with a kind of masked and nondescript contempt, but I was listening to Ella Fitzgerald just now on YouTube and one of the user comments was that ‘OMG I love this song but Michael Buble does it better’. Give me a fucking break. From what I can tell, Buble recycles all the awesome jazz music from bumfuck anywhere and then basks in the critical acclaim. Of course the music he makes is awesome; it was awesome to begin with. I’m pretty sure if I painted an exact copy of the Mona Lisa, it would be awesome. Would I deserve credit for this? Not at fucking all. Even Robbie Williams made an awesome album with Swing When You’re Winning, re-doing a bunch of old songs by Sinatra, Bobby Darin etc. And this is the guy who made Rudebox. Rudebox, guys.

I don’t usually do this, but I’m going to try and learn about the topic I’m throwing myself at while writing this piece. Anyway, here is his absolutely fucking horrific cover of Maroon 5’s THIS LOVE to further my argument:

Now here are my problems with this shit:

1. Problems with lyrics. A fucking monkey could remember those lyrics. I could take a mallet to the face and a bottle of vodka and still sing those lyrics they were on the damn radio so much for the past five years. Sure, people forget them every now and then but this ass clown is supposed to be a FUCKING CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED, PAID SINGER. Also, I haven’t heard any of his music, but please don’t take this to mean I’ve never seen the fucker on television: far from it, since every time I flick the tube on I get his shit-eating grin telling me ‘hey, I’m Michael Buble; I’m an entertainer’. An Entertainer!!! Can’t be bothered or is unable to learn lyrics to an entire song, but is a fucking entertainer!!! YOU ROCK MICHAEL BUBLE

Of course, there’s also the chance he did that shit on purpose. His face would lead me to believe he thought that shit up and then said aloud, ‘hey, I’m Michael Buble; I’m a genius’. But guess what, guy; it both sounded and looked like shit. So, no, dude… fail.

2. The part where he realises he completely fucked up fifty percent of the lyrics and then declares ‘that was good.’

3. With the exception of Buble going ‘WOWOOOYOYOOOOOAOAAAY’ at the end, this version of This Love sounds exactly the same as the original version. How is this different to some trollop doing a version in a karoake bar? I’ll tell you, the only difference is that he is a good singer and karaoke joe ain’t. But fuck man, I’m a good masterbator but I ain’t get paid shit to do it. This is my fucking problem with this kind of tribute bullshit. If it’s just the same fucking song, sang in the same way, with the exact same words just by a different guy, move the fuck on. I just saw ACROSS THE UNIVERSE, which, (in other news was the mother of all cock-teases since I had to stop watching about an hour and a half in it was so boring, but) for about half an hour at the beginning I thought it might be my favourite movie of the year. And one of the reasons for that was that all these awesome Beatles songs were redone in totally new ways and yet were still awesome. The first one sang by Evan Rachel Wood, which I forget, and then I Wanna Hold Your Hand by the gay cheerleader, in particular were fucking stupendous. This cookie-cutter bullshit Buble pukes forth and expects us to like is sickening.

Seriously, how would you feel if you heard that Eminem was gonna do a version of Happy Birthday To You, and then you bought it and it was the same fucking song you’d been singing to your friends and relatives since you were a same kid. I don’t know about you but I’d be pissed.

I’m going to keep going with the visual evidence until I find one that changes my mind.

EXHIBIT #2

I believe that no further comment is necessary.

Oh wow, a clip of Buble doing Mack The Knife, which is one of my all-time favourite songs; I can’t wait to see how this turns out.

VS.

Okay, you got me there, your performance does have some shit that Robbie Williams’ doesn’t. What are those things? Well, some form of involuntary neck and/or shoulder spasm, and of course, the Buble signature big masturbatory, shit-eating grin.

Okay, this song EVERYTHING, from what I can tell reading about the guy is supposedly his magnum opus. And yeah, I’ll be honest, it’s pretty sweet and it ain’t a rehash of Sinatra. Those are both massive pluses for him. But fuck man, it ain’t even written by him entirely. I fucking bet ‘co-writer’ Alan Chang and possibly Amy Foster-Gilles wrote the mother fucker and then Buble fashioned some diatribe he had written on a piece of paper into a bunch of coherent lyrics and then set them to it garnering him a credit. How is this any different to the kinda shit Britney Spears does (did)? Except that he doesn’t shave his head and/or leave his kids in a dumpster somewhere. I swear to god I would put money on the fact that he had little to do with fashioning the melody. Hell, if he could do it himself, why have the other fuckers getting credit??

I wish this kid was right, that he was an entertainer, and that he would entertain my fantasy of putting my foot through his face. Does he deserve all my contempt? Probably not, but like he fucking cares, he’s probably living like Scrooge McDuck and swimming in a big pool of money, taking breaks only to grin at things and fuck his ridiculously hot Hollywood girlfriend (Emily Blunt). Plus, since I stopped writing about a year ago, I think this website literally gets about three hits a month, which isn’t exactly going to change the world. And the thing is, I really don’t mind if people do shitty things like this, I don’t even really mind that they get famous for it, just don’t fucking like it, man. Seriously. Don’t walk around town with that shit-eating grin acting like your shit don’t stink just because you can take a song done by someone else and then sing it the same way. We do that shit every day in our cars, man. Old men you meet in the bar who can’t remember the names were doing that shit when you were still swimming around in your Dad’s balls.

If I was Buble, and some guy came up to me on the street and was like ‘Oy, Buble, you suck! All you do is recycle someone else’s songs!’, I’d just put my hands up and go ‘Yep. But hey, people seem to like that shit, what’re you gonna do?’. But I bet if that really happened, he’d just flash that grin and then go ‘Nah, man. I’m Michael Buble, I’m an entertainer, look, SHHOOOOBBAADDDOOODADDEEEDAAADOOOOO’.

God, I’m literally exhausted. To sum up, I hate Michael Buble.