The infinite gloss of Pirates of the Caribbean seems to be subsiding a little bit and it’s therefore probably the best time as any to take that top of the box office position, so…

Nope.

It’s interesting that this film is about drug dealers dropping their loads and the subsequent picking up of such loads, because when I watched this film it made me feel like Michael Mann had just opened my wallet and his lower intestine had dropped a load of its own into it.

A COMPARISON OF DIALOGUES BETWEEN MICHAEL MANN’S HEAT (1995) AND MICHAEL MANN’S MIAMI VICE (2006)

Because she’s got a….. GREAT ASS… AND YOU’VE GOT YOUR HEAD… ALL THE WAY UP IT! FEROCIOUS AREN’T I!

Smooth thats how we do it zzzzzzzzzzzz

About half of this film takes place on a boat. Please don’t misconstrue this to think that this means action taking place on a boat. When I say half of this film takes place on a boat, I mean half of this film is people travelling to and fro on a boat. No fighting on a boat, no sex on a boat, not even a fucking interesting conversation, just people on a boat. Set to really shitty music.

The same shitty music thats played when the ‘relationship establishing’ portions of the movie are played. And when I say ‘relationship establishing’ portions, I mean sex in the shower. The only reason we know Jamie Foxx has a girlfriend in the movie is because he fucks her in a shower. Likewise the only way we know Colin Farrell and that Chinese chick who speaks English with as much grace as a fat person on a bicycle are into each other is that they ride on a boat together and then have sex in a shower.

In fact the only reason we know that this film isn’t about two gay detective lovers is that Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx DON’T have sex in a shower.

I read somewhere that Michael Mann had said that the final action scene of Miami Vice would rival the final action scene in Heat. This is complete and utter bullshit. The final action scene of Miami Vice would not rival the final action scene of Dead Poet’s Society for excitement. And the realism of Jamie Foxx forward rolling over a car-hood and then killing two people with machine guns who saw him coming with a pump action shotgun was such a solid and well formed hunk of shit I swear I could see corn in it.

Maybe the problem was that most of the film (as well as being on a boat) was also shot during the night and it made it difficult to see. I must be difficult to engage the audience when a shot is filmed in such dark circumstance.

Nope.

I don’t know what else to say. I’m struggling to come up with any redeeming quality whatsoever. I wasn’t even sure the movie was over when the credits came up. As far as I can tell, they let the guy at the head of the entire drug pedalling scheme go, and released a known drug-trafficker because she had sex with Farrell in a shower.