Well the Oscars are around the corner and this therefore gives me a legitimate excuse to talk at length about film. I personally think this was a shit year for film in general, but hey lets go.

ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE

Philip Seymour Hoffman

Positives: Has been one of the best actors in the world for the past ten years. Great performance. Voice tweaking. It’s a commonly known fact that playing a gay banks Oscars. It’s also a commonly known fact that playing a famous person banks Oscars. All bases seem to be covered here.

Negatives: He was in Along Came Polly with Ben Stiller.

Terrence Howard

Positives: A much better actor than Denzel Washington. Probably the best African/American actor ever (with the obvious exclusion of Mr T. I PITY THE FOOL)

Negatives: The film is too indie. Also, the African American demographic had their shot with Denzel and Halle Berry, so don’t expect another Oscar for at least another ten years or until someone makes a biopic of Mike Tyson or Marvin Gaye.

Heath Ledger

Positives: He’s made pretty much only cool films. He also had the esteemed privelige of dumping Naomi Watts, which is like dumping beauty itself.

Negatives: Not respectable. Dumped Naomi Watts and now goes out with Michelle Williams. I’m not sure but I think that goes against Marx’s law theories of societal progression.

Joaquin Pheonix

Positives: HOW DARE YOU SHOW YOUR BACK TO ME! SLAVE YOU WILL REMOVE YOUR HELMET AND TELL ME YOUR NAME

Negatives: I wish Russel Crowe was nominated so I could continue that.

David Strathairn
Positives: In a very tasteful black and white film directed by a man with serious Hollywood connections.

Negatives: Too low profile for me to make jokes about.

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

George Clooney
Positives: Serious Hollywood connections. Also up for directing honours. hasn’t been nominated before.

Negatives: Ocean’s Twelve. You’ve seen it right. Ocean’s Twelve should by all right relinquish you for ever getting an Oscar nomination.

Matt Dillon

Positives: Forget his Oscar nomination, the only positive worth mentioning in the plethora of shitty films that this guy has made (including one which very obviously alluded to paeodophilia with Natalie Portman), he pisses all over everyone on this list because he had a threescompany sex sandwich with Denise Richards and Neve Campbell.

Negatives: Did you not read what I just said? This man has no negatives. (Great performance but whatever)

Paul Giamatti

Positives: Great actor. Should have won last year and would have if not for Jamie Foxx.

Negatives: This is a pity nomination. I don’t doubt that he’s a godly actor, but this is a joe average role and a joe average performance. Just a pity nod, no more. He won’t win and if he does it will not be for Cinderella Man it’ll be for Sideways.

William Hurt

Positives: There are no positives

Negatives: This is pure shit. Complete shit. I don’t know if you’ve seen A History of Violence, but it’s the worst most overrated thing since Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon look they are flying and she has the green destiny. First of all he’s in the film for about six seconds, long enough to say why did you betray me Aragorn, and then get a hole blown in the back of his head. I hate this film oh my god i want to kill myself.

Jake Gylenhaal

Positives: Jarhead. Him dancing to OPP by Naughty by Nature with a Santa hat on his penis.

Negatives: He previously dated Kirsten Dunst. I’d say he’ll get over it but there are some things that even suicide cannot heal.

I’m not going to say anything about the female nominees because I think it’s bullshit. I’m not a chauvanist or anything, but I firmly believe that while there are a million excellent male actors there are only like five actually good female actors (off the top of my head Scarlett Johansson, Charlize Theron, Hillary Swank, Kate Winslet, Annette Benning and Dame Judi Dench who is nominated every fucking year.) This year though, even though Felicity Huffman banked on a transvestite role which is usually an Oscar gimme, I’m pretty sure Reese WItherspoon will win because she is Reese WItherspoon. I’d also guess at Philip Seymour Hoffman and Matt Dillon.