I was asked to read this book not twenty minutes ago, and I immediately scoffed at the idea that I might need advice on how to pleasure a woman. After a semester of human sexuality, I know more about a woman’s anatomy than most women out there (such as the knowledge that all women have a full blown penis, and is capable of having an erection. And no. It is much much more than just the clit), so the idea was simply preposterous.
But hey, what do I have to lose?
(In scanning through the book, I have learnt that, apparently, female ejaculation does NOT heighten an orgasm. Leave the squirting to us girls)
At work we have this annual Summer Box Office Prediction Contest. And while I was doing some research, I figured why not write this shit up, tell you people what to watch this summer, so you might avoid watching shit. In the past two weeks I’ve seen NEVER BACK DOWN and 21. NEVER BACK DOWN was so bad it almost made my eyes puke, and 21 pretty much made my brain puke. Talk about the worst ever explanation of the Monty Hall Paradox ever. People need to start watching good movies.
Oh, and I only have seven so far. RED BELT is something I definitely looking forward to, since David Mamet is one of my fucking heroes, but that film has as much chance of making good money, as I have of living where I do and eating good Chinese. The only Chinese restaurant here has “Chinese Pizza” on the menu! Chinese Pizza! As if there is such a thing!
#07 WALL - E
To be honest, I could give a shit about Pixar films. I haven’t seen any that I’ve really liked. I know that’s borderline blasphemous, but whatever. I hate them. This one is - from what I can tell - a feature length film with little to no dialogue? Fuck off.
#06 WANTED
This film looks fucking ridiculous but damnit I like it. Morgan Freeman continues to push his creative boundaries by taking on the role of old, wise, freckled black man. Angelina Jolie plays Assassin Who Doesn’t Know When To Quit With The Eye Shadow. James McAvoy plays a regular joe who turns out can actually bend bullets. Nice.
#05 IRON MAN
Robert Downey Jr. is about to have a fucking banner year. The advertising campaign for this flick hasn’t missed a beat, every trailer, every tv-spot, every poster has been a home run. The only thing keeping it so low on the list is my expectation that people are mostly stupid.
#04 THE DARK KNIGHT
If this were a perfect world this film would make so much money people would hear the figure and just fall over dead. Everything about this thing looks badass. The viral campaign is starting to do my head in, but fuck all that shit. There are probably question marks over every film on this list, save for this one. There is basically no chance at all that this film will be anything but a masterpiece. Also, don’t worry about those rumors some of Heath Ledger’s scenes might be cut, I’ve had trusted sources confirm to me that the whole thing is bullshit.
#03 HANCOCK
Great concept, great star. Just a solid money-maker, right here. Jason Bateman is one of the funniest people on the planet, but he can’t open a movie on his own. Thankfully the lead is Will Smith, who at this point could be filmed taking a dump on a nun’s face and still open to $200m. Charlize Theron will do her best not to be outdone but she’ll really just be there for aesthetic purposes.
#02 TROPIC THUNDER
No doubt about it this will be the funniest movie of the year. I’ve been privileged enough to see some footage from this flick and Robert Downey Jr. is sick. There’s also what has now become a fairly well known secret cameo by a fairly well hated actor that will turn everyone back to his side. I’ve wanted to beat Ben Stiller to death with a shovel for years now, but he will redeem the shit out of himself this year.
#01 INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL
I could care less about a new Indy movie, but there is no doubt in my gd mind that this film will make over a bazillion dollars. In fact it might make so much money that money itself becomes obsolete. We will start bartering with diamonds and Rolexes or something.
I was really bored about an hour ago, and I decided to watch an old episode of TRANSFORMERS. I thought that there was no way it could be as good as I remembered it being. Guess what: it is. It totally is. Here is the breakdown of one of my favourite episodes as a child, “Fight or Flee”, the best look we ever get at Sandstorm, who I loved because he could turn into three different things, as opposed to just two, which I had been used to at the time. Now that I look back as a twenty-two year old I wonder who I liked this pussy so much. Why didn’t I like Cyclonus? He is bad ass.
The episode starts out with Cyclonus and Scourge chasing Slingshot, who for no reason seems to be off gallivanting around the galaxy. He hides around a piece of floating rock, which suddenly becomes fucking enormous, and basically the size of a planet when considering how big the Transformers are.
That’s when the Aerialbots pop out and sand bag them. Typically a massive gunfight ensues where no one at all gets shot. Fortunately Cyclonus and Scourge find an inter-galaxy warp, inside which they find a planet populated by peaceful Transformers. Immediately, Cyclonus realises that the planet is populated by fucking pussies and there is officially a new mack in town. Also, there is an abundance of energon, you know, the thing that the entire series is based upon. So of course, he makes an inter-galactic call to Galvatron to come over and clean up.
Cyclonus tells Scourge to set his weapons to ’stun’, a feature that they have for no apparent reason whatsoever, since all they ever do is fuck people up. They rush the group of Paradronians who are discussing what to do about Cyclonus and Scourge, blowing Sandstorm (their de facto leader) away and seizing control. Some slope pipes up “but this is a democracy!” and then, suddenly due to my incredible hatred of democracy, I have no sympathy for when Cyclonus makes him “dance” like in those old westerns.
Even though these guys are intense pacifists, there is a fully-fledged prison block, presumably for people who forgot their table manners, or jay-walked. Anyway, Cyclonus, of course tosses Sandstorm’s ass in the clink, but fortunately there is a barred window in the cell, which while seemingly only the size of his head, is in fact the size of his entire fucking body, and the bars on it are easily destroyed by a handy little arm laser he happens to have. Neat!
He is detected escaping, so Razor Claw and a tank dude who I have no idea to his name are sent out to chase him down. Razor Claw jumps like several hundred thousand times faster than he runs, but for no apparent reason decides to run half the way. That way he gets to crack jokes I guess. Eventually Divebomb finds Sandstorm trying to escape in some huge rocket ship. So to kill him as fast as possible, he flies directly into the sky and then sweeps around to fly straight for him, when he could have just, you know, flown straight for him.
Hot Rod decides to heed Sandstorm’s rescue call. Kup of course doesn’t believe Sandstorm because he’s about a bazillion years old and he thinks he knows every fucking thing. Then Blur runs on screen and makes you want to slap him with your dick. You can’t of course, and that is a painful fact to swallow.
Of course, Galvatron, hero that he is puts all the autobots of Paradron to slave work, making missiles. Not that any of the Decepticons fucking use missiles, you understand. Just because he can. What else are they gonna make? Razor Claw shoots up the incoming Autobot ship with some intergalactic laser. Of course, it was just a decoy, since that’s pretty much the only move in the Autobot play book. Then, about fifty Autobots pop out from behind the meteor and no one notices a thing.
Sky Lynx flies overhead while the Autobots, which is basically Hot Rod and Springer destroy everyone. Sandstorm rouses the population of die hard pacifists to fight the Decepticons, whose sole existence has been to fuck people up. Let’s see who wins this fight.
Cut to Ultra Magnus who doesn’t realise he is walking into a trap, because why would he? He is a fucking galloot. Thankfully he has a secret radio mechanism in his chest, which I have never seen before, and he can call Hot Rod for help. That’s when Hot Rod hits him with his master plan: blow up the entire planet. Because that’s the other contingency in the Autobot playbook. His rationale? Because if the Decepticons get this planet, every other planet will be vulnerable. Really? How’s that? Why would they ever be more vulnerable than if the Decepticons didn’t have this planet of pacifist robots.
All the robots who were dull yellow are suddenly different colours. Nope now they’re dull yellow. Nope, now there are different colours. And we’re back to dull yellow.
Sandstorm (because he knows its location) and Ultra Magnus (for no reason) are sent to go and set a block of C4 on the planet’s energon source. God knows why Sandstorm needs a helicopter form, since he seems capable of flying in his dune buggy form. He tells Magnus to shut the fuck up for the first one hundred yards upon entering the building that houses the energon, but even that is not a command he is capable of adhering to. He of course drops some knowledge and then inexplicably grabs the rocket, throwing it at a bunch of Constructicons who happened to be chilling the back of the room, undisturbed by that rocket sentry.
Galvatron with a free shot of course misses the two of them and then is blinded by Magnus’ truck lights. Didn’t he learn anything from TRANSFORMERS the animated movie? And the robots are back to all being dull yellow.
The whole planet explodes, because, you know, no other choice. And apparently this is a satisfactory result, the end.
I just glanced over someone’s (who I will not name, but will know who they are) website, that gave Michael Mann’s HEAT 6/10!! SIX OUT OF TEN!! What the hell?? Probably the greatest crime thriller in the last twenty fucking years and it’s a 6/10 and the only comment is that Natalie Portman is cute in it!! I don’t really have anything to say about that, it’s just that I’ve now figured no one who reads this (if there is anyone left) watches ONE TREE HILL, and so the last rant I wrote up basically constitutes a colossal fucking waste of time save for the minor therapeutic value. I don’t want to talk about HEAT, but I will say for you to enjoy one of the greatest scenes of all time:
But I don’t want to talk about HEAT. But nor do I want to talk about the shit that I’m thinking about right now or any of that gay bullshit that reminds me what I’m doing right now is essentially blogging. And I despise blogging. I hate blogging the way that I hate holocaust-deniers, or Usher videos. Still, because Louis is too lazy doing whatever the fuck he is doing I feel impelled to every now and then come on here and write something so that it doesn’t go stale. What I don’t want to do right now though, is talk about how HEAT offers an insight into the seemingly diametric personality types found in criminals and those in their pursuit. I don’t want to talk about HEAT at all. Let’s just look at Pacino being awesome:
Here’s something else I hate: that more people aren’t watching LOST. What the fuck are you people watching or doing that is honestly better than LOST? That thing is one of the best things to ever be on television. That thing would be the best things on television right now even if they started broadcasting some kind of Playboy Mansion Blowjob Olympics. The show has everything - hot chicks (Evangeline Lilly, the Korean chick, not that sweaty blonde other chick), mantastic dudes (Matthew Fox, the dude who plays Sawyer, whose name I forget), and oh yeah, some of the best fucking writing ever. Can you tell me why you aren’t watching this thing? Or would you rather see Pacino be badass again?
Good lord PRISON BREAK got real shit, real fast, am I right? That chunky spec ops chick literally commands like a hundred men, you’re telling me they couldn’t break one guy out of that shitty prison in back water South America? How that show jumped the shark so bad is beyond me, although Brett Ratner is a producer so I’d like to think he played a part in it. Him knocking the artistic shit out of the X-MEN franchise lends some fairly weighty credence to this. I love the whole moving an entire bridge thing - that was dynamite. Speaking of which, you know who would have been the shit in an X-MEN film? Robert DeNiro. Watch him be awesome in HEAT:
Given my occupation I know that lots of people have lots of different opinions on films, and I respect those opinions, but sometimes I am just amazed! Not that I’m talking about any particular movie here, just in general.
I have been digesting episodes of ONE TREE HILL like fucking biscuits for as long as I can remember now. Over the past seven months or so I saw all five god damn seasons. I just watched the latest one today (S05E09) and am now ready to regale you with my thoughts on the douche-baggery that seems to be endemic in this fucking town. Also, I don’t know how the strike affected this show and I can’t be bothered to find out the answer to this, but I don’t know how many episodes this season is running. Either way it doesn’t matter, since this entire arc could be done in like five episodes. I swear over the nine we’ve seen thus far about ten things have happened. About half of each episode has been god damn montages.
LUCAS SCOTT
I’ve given this careful consideration because I don’t want to issue undue hyperbole, but I’m pretty sure this guy is the biggest asshole on television. And if not on television (maybe Dennis Hopper was worse in the first season of 24), then definitely without doubt on the show. He is almost entirely morally and ethically bankrupt. Dan Scott was a dick but at least he made the decision to atone for his behaviour. It might have taken four seasons and a fucked up family to do it but he manned up in the end. Which is more than I can say for Lucas who is routinely pissing all over any girl who shows a god damn interest in him, which hey, guess what? Is everyone. By my count he has now cheated on his girlfriend five times, each different girls, and with different others. That is a track record, people. And with no remorse whatsoever. There is a difference between saying sorry because you feel bad and feel you made a mistake, and saying sorry because someone is pissed at you. Fortunately Lucas doesn’t have to make the distinction since I don’t think he ever said sorry once, except to his mother, but for what reason I forget. And it certainly wasn’t one of the instances where he slapped some broad with his dick. Oh yeah, that’s right, it was when he - at seventeen - got his girlfriend - who had since been cheated on and dumped - pregnant.
Still, past fuck ups aside, nothing can compare to the monumental crusade of asshole behaviour he is currently working on. This thing is like a fucking work of art. Ten episodes it has taken, which basically spans god knows how long but it is at least two years. Let’s face it, we know how this season is gonna end. We don’t know how and we don’t know what bullshit metaphor is finally gonna make him realise, but it is gonna end with some gay emo song of the week and him kissing the shit out of Peyton telling her it was always her, she was the one, etc, while stuff falls around them in slow motion. It will probably be confetti. Brooke will do her stupid upside down smile. Hayley will put her hands on her hips and shake her head, bite her lip (”You guys…!”). And her kid whose dialogue is stupidly adult will give a fucking thumbs up or something.
You know how when you pull a prank on someone and you work at it for like an hour and it is awesome because you put good solid time into it? Well imagine you put a DAY’s work into it. You would mess someone up bad, right? Now imagine TWO GOD DAMN YEARS. This Lindsay chick is gonna get all kinds of fucked up when she finally gets dumped. The worst thing about it though, is he knows himself he’s gonna do it. We all fucking know. IT IS OBVIOUS. EVEN HIS FUCKING FIANCE KNOWS IT. And that’s what makes it the worst thing - she knows it and she calls him on it, but he keeps on telling her it’s gonna be fine. It is gonna be fine. Trust me, it ain’t gonna be fine.
I have to believe the writers of this show hate Chad Murray. I have no idea how the lead in a hugely successful TV show can be written to be such a cluster fuck of a person.
PEYTON SAWYER
This chick is the only character on the show I can stomach and I pretty much only watch the show because of her. I used to watch it because I thought Brooke was hot, but that was only until Peyton fixed her hair so she didn’t look like Justin Timberlake back when N’SYNC existed, and Brooke’s voice got annoying to the point of suicide. I’m pretty sure once I saw Peyton bend over and a rainbow shot out of her ass. True story.
Anyway, now I’m pretty sure that this chick is the cutest girl on the planet. She is brilliant. I’d slap my dick on a railway track like I was fucking chopping a chicken’s head off with it, for a run at her. I’m a little scared that her hair is starting to curl up and shit again, but being constantly cockteased into thinking she and Lucas are gonna get back together, and then being subsequently rickrolled with all manner of douche bag moves on Lucas’ part, the whole thing is so thrilling I am almost not noticing. Also a major scare: that she might have hooked up with Kevin Federline. I don’t know what my soul would have done.
MARVIN “MOUTH” MCFADDEN
I can’t stand this kid. There has never been a character on television, nor will there ever be again, that gets so much pussy that is just stupidly out of his league. In my book, this kid is outscoring Nathan Scott (who was the most popular kid in school, college basketball star, a couple days away from playing for the Sonics), since that Clean Teens chick he fucked is way hotter looks-wise than Hayley. And Mouth barely even looks human. If there was a real life occurrence of what happens in Stephen King’s THE MIST, and this kid slammed up against the shop front, I wouldn’t know whether he was looking for sanctuary or trying to eat me. I would definitely kill him just to be on the safe-side. Also, just to be clear, he has now managed to lose his moral and ethical standards, which were basically the only things that made him identifiable as a character through Seasons 1 - 3. Now the only thing that is identifiable about him is that he looks stupid in a suit and that if there’s a geeky, underrated hottie character in the story arc, you can bet your ass he is gonna fuck her.
Seriously, this dude is the reason there are so many unhappy, mediocre looking chicks in the world. Because of how flat out fucking ridiculous Mouth is written, every half way human looking boy with two eyes a nose and a mouth thinks that they can score top shelf tail. Not so, my friends. Not everyone can hook up with busty blonde girls who run TV networks or are closet nymphs, unfortunately, some of us have to settle. I can only hope more people read this than watch the show.
BROOKE DAVIS
This chick was hot for about two seasons until she got seduced by the Asian dude (another royal douche bag) and then I suddenly realised that talking to her would be like when your grandma tries to tell you something but you can’t hear her because she has been smoking a pack of cigarettes a day for eighty years and barely has a voicebox. She has a dynamite rack and she is definitely easy on the eyes - certainly one of the hottest chicks on the fucking planet, but every time she opens her mouth I have to turn the volume up. Fuck that. Surprisingly, Brooke is actually the only person on the show who ISN’T a great big fuck up right now. However, she can never, ever be forgiven for pulling the mother of all dirty bitch tricks - the fake pregnancy. That shit is just not on. That is right up there with the holocaust and the Hiroshima bombing in my book.
I wrote up what I thought were the seven best films of 2007 but I had some catching up to do. I still haven’t seen THERE WILL BE BLOOD, which irks me no end, since PT Anderson is one of my all-time favourite directors. Still, I did see two more that came out last year, which have gotten a ton of markedly poor press and I am here to set you straight. I would hate for people to miss out on either of these films just because the reviews have been poor.
I can’t vouch for the writing that follows because I am literally falling asleep as I write this…
THE ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES BY THE COWARD ROBERT FORD
This film is awesome. It’s slightly long but you can take it because the acting is strong as hell and the cinematography is flat out fucking beautiful. This film gave me a massive cinema boner. I absolutely loath Westerns and I haven’t enjoyed one since TOMBSTONE rocked my world as a teenager. This thing literally changed my life. This film also made me realise I know absolutely nothing about music, because the score floored me and it wasn’t even nominated for an Oscar. THERE WILL BE BLOOD and INTO THE WILD were disqualified from selection and this film’s score still didn’t even make it. That’s like losing an egg-and-spoon race with 5 regular kids and 2 retards. If you don’t like the track ‘A Song For Jesse’, which plays as the film opens, I fucking hate you and you suck. I literally have no idea how Brad Pitt didn’t get a nod for Best Actor, especially in such a weak field this year. George Clooney? Fuck off… We all know DDL is gonna win it, throw the man a fucking nomination. Plus, Casey Affleck should in my opinion be taking that Best Supporting Oscar home but as we know Bardem already practically owns the thing. An undeserved Oscar AND he gets to go home and fuck Penelope Cruz that dude has an awesome life. What was I talking about?
LARS AND THE REAL GIRL
Aside from THE NOTEBOOK (which I can man-up and admit I like) Ryan Gosling hasn’t made a single good movie. He’s probably the most talented actor of his generation but either he can’t pick films for shit or he’s picking them on a dare. This film is almost another characteristic turd, but turns out Gosling is so good he can make shit into sugar. I don’t know why I enjoyed it so much but I did. It might be because I keep thinking about how NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN is going to win Best Picture and I fucking hate that thing. That ending is just horrific. Nonsensical. Anyway this film is downright weird, but I loved it. You will love it too. Or else you suck.
