The sick reality of life dictates that either be the one that pushes, or be the one that gets pushed.

Another weekend and another match decided by Cristiano Ronaldo. I know that I’m predisposed to not liking the guy because he’s soft, and because he’s - let’s face it - a twat. But as a paid journalist of sorts, I’d like to think I’m objective in my belief that all things aside, Ronaldo is just a thoroughly, thoroughly overrated player.

Don’t get me wrong, without him, Manchester United would have an incredibly tough time winning the Premiership both last year, and - inevitably - this year. But to put him in a league with people like Ronaldinho, Zidane, and other such modern legends is frankly, ludicrous, and in my opinion, fucking offensive. If he didn’t exist, I doubt Manchester United would have won the Premiership last year, and with Arsenal’s Adebayor coming up like Seven-Up this year, and Avram Grant’s remarkably efficient Chelsea, I doubt they would be able to push on this year either. Because what he brings to the table, is an ability to absolutely fucking annihilate full backs.

However, the truth is, whenever he comes up against a good full back, then you might as well have a gorilla on your wing. Routinely, Ashley Cole, Gael Clichy, and the likes will put him in their pockets for entire matches. Other full-backs? He will monster them. No question about it. People like Steven Carr and Mario Melchiott, yeah he will fuck them up. Particularly if you don’t get a holding midfielder to man-handle him. But if you do? If you get a half-way decent anchor (I’m not talking someone like Gennaro Gattuso [who fucking wrecked him last year in the Champs League], I mean someone as good as Robbie Savage) to follow him around and kick his heels every now and then, make sure whenever he’s loose on the wing he doesn’t get a one on one with your sub-par fucking full back, well then you stop him.

I guarantee Ronaldo’s effectiveness and his goals dry the fuck up in Europe now that we’ve hit the knock-out stages. Maybe he’ll snag one against Lyon, but after that? Fucking forget it. Not against tactically proficient Managers, good full backs, and intelligent holding midfielders. In those games he’s only scoring penalties and free-kicks, which I will admit, are fucking incredible.

So yeah, you need him to win a league title, because against about 15 out of 19 opponent full backs, he’s gonna tear them to shreds. When Man United play shitty teams like Fulham and Wigan and whatnot, where Arsenal or Chelsea have trouble putting goals away sometimes, Ronaldo will clean up. But the fact he can’t do the same against good players shows him for what he is. I’m honestly, fucking tired of people telling me he is not as good as Leo Messi.

Leo Messi is the best player in the fucking world hands down. He fucks full backs and midfielders alike, all up and down. And any full backs or midfielders. And homeboy works back, a concept completely lost on Ronaldo, who rarely ever helps Wes Brown or whatever poor soul is shoved into a perpetual two on one and right back. Seriously, the vast majority of you don’t even watch La Liga: watch that shit, watch Messi ruin Cannavaro and Sergio Ramos before you say shit. Don’t just watch Ronaldo tear up people like Paul fucking Scharner every week and think it’s the best thing you’ve ever seen. Doing it against the greats - that’s the mark.

Also, Newcastle: fucking sort it out man.

Apparently I only have 11 pounds of fat on my 135 pound body (approximately 8.5%), and if I reduce my fat levels to about 4-5%, I will be in the category of either malnourished, or a proper athlete. I’m very tempted to give that a try, seeing that i’m already running 4 miles a day (6 km), not including weight training for about an hour. However, this semester is going to be fun filled with alcohol abuse, and loads of partying…which really does not help.

…..I was going to write an article, but I just read James’ article below and I anything I come up with right now will just be embarrassing compared to its awesomeness. So go read.

First up, am I jealous of Michael Buble? No shit I am. I would trade my life and at least through blood family members for a sniff of the kind of luck that boy has. Also, I’ll be totally honest, I don’t really know a thing about the guy - he could be an awesome fella, but right now I’m in a massive funk. Usually I look at him with a kind of masked and nondescript contempt, but I was listening to Ella Fitzgerald just now on YouTube and one of the user comments was that ‘OMG I love this song but Michael Buble does it better’. Give me a fucking break. From what I can tell, Buble recycles all the awesome jazz music from bumfuck anywhere and then basks in the critical acclaim. Of course the music he makes is awesome; it was awesome to begin with. I’m pretty sure if I painted an exact copy of the Mona Lisa, it would be awesome. Would I deserve credit for this? Not at fucking all. Even Robbie Williams made an awesome album with Swing When You’re Winning, re-doing a bunch of old songs by Sinatra, Bobby Darin etc. And this is the guy who made Rudebox. Rudebox, guys.

I don’t usually do this, but I’m going to try and learn about the topic I’m throwing myself at while writing this piece. Anyway, here is his absolutely fucking horrific cover of Maroon 5’s THIS LOVE to further my argument:

Now here are my problems with this shit:

1. Problems with lyrics. A fucking monkey could remember those lyrics. I could take a mallet to the face and a bottle of vodka and still sing those lyrics they were on the damn radio so much for the past five years. Sure, people forget them every now and then but this ass clown is supposed to be a FUCKING CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED, PAID SINGER. Also, I haven’t heard any of his music, but please don’t take this to mean I’ve never seen the fucker on television: far from it, since every time I flick the tube on I get his shit-eating grin telling me ‘hey, I’m Michael Buble; I’m an entertainer’. An Entertainer!!! Can’t be bothered or is unable to learn lyrics to an entire song, but is a fucking entertainer!!! YOU ROCK MICHAEL BUBLE

Of course, there’s also the chance he did that shit on purpose. His face would lead me to believe he thought that shit up and then said aloud, ‘hey, I’m Michael Buble; I’m a genius’. But guess what, guy; it both sounded and looked like shit. So, no, dude… fail.

2. The part where he realises he completely fucked up fifty percent of the lyrics and then declares ‘that was good.’

3. With the exception of Buble going ‘WOWOOOYOYOOOOOAOAAAY’ at the end, this version of This Love sounds exactly the same as the original version. How is this different to some trollop doing a version in a karoake bar? I’ll tell you, the only difference is that he is a good singer and karaoke joe ain’t. But fuck man, I’m a good masterbator but I ain’t get paid shit to do it. This is my fucking problem with this kind of tribute bullshit. If it’s just the same fucking song, sang in the same way, with the exact same words just by a different guy, move the fuck on. I just saw ACROSS THE UNIVERSE, which, (in other news was the mother of all cock-teases since I had to stop watching about an hour and a half in it was so boring, but) for about half an hour at the beginning I thought it might be my favourite movie of the year. And one of the reasons for that was that all these awesome Beatles songs were redone in totally new ways and yet were still awesome. The first one sang by Evan Rachel Wood, which I forget, and then I Wanna Hold Your Hand by the gay cheerleader, in particular were fucking stupendous. This cookie-cutter bullshit Buble pukes forth and expects us to like is sickening.

Seriously, how would you feel if you heard that Eminem was gonna do a version of Happy Birthday To You, and then you bought it and it was the same fucking song you’d been singing to your friends and relatives since you were a same kid. I don’t know about you but I’d be pissed.

I’m going to keep going with the visual evidence until I find one that changes my mind.

EXHIBIT #2

I believe that no further comment is necessary.

Oh wow, a clip of Buble doing Mack The Knife, which is one of my all-time favourite songs; I can’t wait to see how this turns out.

VS.

Okay, you got me there, your performance does have some shit that Robbie Williams’ doesn’t. What are those things? Well, some form of involuntary neck and/or shoulder spasm, and of course, the Buble signature big masturbatory, shit-eating grin.

Okay, this song EVERYTHING, from what I can tell reading about the guy is supposedly his magnum opus. And yeah, I’ll be honest, it’s pretty sweet and it ain’t a rehash of Sinatra. Those are both massive pluses for him. But fuck man, it ain’t even written by him entirely. I fucking bet ‘co-writer’ Alan Chang and possibly Amy Foster-Gilles wrote the mother fucker and then Buble fashioned some diatribe he had written on a piece of paper into a bunch of coherent lyrics and then set them to it garnering him a credit. How is this any different to the kinda shit Britney Spears does (did)? Except that he doesn’t shave his head and/or leave his kids in a dumpster somewhere. I swear to god I would put money on the fact that he had little to do with fashioning the melody. Hell, if he could do it himself, why have the other fuckers getting credit??

I wish this kid was right, that he was an entertainer, and that he would entertain my fantasy of putting my foot through his face. Does he deserve all my contempt? Probably not, but like he fucking cares, he’s probably living like Scrooge McDuck and swimming in a big pool of money, taking breaks only to grin at things and fuck his ridiculously hot Hollywood girlfriend (Emily Blunt). Plus, since I stopped writing about a year ago, I think this website literally gets about three hits a month, which isn’t exactly going to change the world. And the thing is, I really don’t mind if people do shitty things like this, I don’t even really mind that they get famous for it, just don’t fucking like it, man. Seriously. Don’t walk around town with that shit-eating grin acting like your shit don’t stink just because you can take a song done by someone else and then sing it the same way. We do that shit every day in our cars, man. Old men you meet in the bar who can’t remember the names were doing that shit when you were still swimming around in your Dad’s balls.

If I was Buble, and some guy came up to me on the street and was like ‘Oy, Buble, you suck! All you do is recycle someone else’s songs!’, I’d just put my hands up and go ‘Yep. But hey, people seem to like that shit, what’re you gonna do?’. But I bet if that really happened, he’d just flash that grin and then go ‘Nah, man. I’m Michael Buble, I’m an entertainer, look, SHHOOOOBBAADDDOOODADDEEEDAAADOOOOO’.

God, I’m literally exhausted. To sum up, I hate Michael Buble.

Since I didn’t get offered to write one of these for the site that I am a paid employee of, and because Suckball basically got started because I can’t keep my opinions to myself, here is my arbitrary Favorite Seven Movies of 2007. Something to note: I’m paid to give my opinions on films; I saw BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU’RE DEAD, NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN. And they’re wonderful, but I liked others more. Deal with that shit, you fucking fascist.

#7. KNOCKED UP & SUPERBAD

KNOCKED UP is marginally the better movie, but SUPERBAD was marginally the funnier film. Both marked this being the undeniable year of Judd Apatow who struck gold with some incredible humour. His films are so good that they can make people who look like Seth Rogan and Jonah Hill jump to the top of the A-list.

#6. TRANSFORMERS

There was absolutely no way I was going to dislike this movie. The plot is paper thin with holes you could shove Rosie O’Donnell through and I don’t think Megan Fox is anywhere near as hot as people are making out, and there are even behind the scenes things which massively pissed me off (no Megatron can’t turn into a gun - it wouldn’t make sense for him to be huge then tiny. So we’ll make the Allspark huge… and then tiny). But everything Michael Bay put on the screen was so sharp it gave my eyes boners. Shia Labeouf is great, but Hugo Weaving stole it for me when he shouted Priiiiiiime! Even though Megatron looked like he transformed into a plate of silverware.

#5. MY BLUEBERRY NIGHTS

Admittedly, this film is at times absolutely terrible, and at many others mediocre. But like VANILLA SKY some ten years earlier, because this film made me fall in love with Norah Jones, I absolutely adored this film. The cinematography is fucking brilliant and fucking typical of Wong Kar Wai. It even made me like Cat Power.

#4. ZODIAC

The Finch is my favourite film maker not named Aronofsky. I’ve spent entire evenings defending ALIEN 3. So I guess I was predisposed to like this film. The cast is incredible and some of the cinematic innovations are wonderful (I’m looking at you panning shot over the Bridge). It’s a little long, and since I’m a stickler for concrete resolution I can’t make this number one, but don’t listen to anyone who says this movie is no good.

#3. PLANET TERROR

My only regret is that DEATH PROOF was attached to this thing because Tarantino’s leg is piss poor. Let me tell you, the trailer had looked awful to me and I only decided to watch that thing because Mary Elizabeth Winstead was in it, but I couldn’t even sit through it long enough to get to her part. And I sat through fucking SKY HIGH just to catch a glimpse of her. PLANET TERROR is absolutely hilarious from start to beginning. And I’m no fan of Robert Rodriguez. But homeboy can even make Fergielicious not look like an ass with arms and legs. And that might not be worth an Oscar come ceremony time, but I’d give that mother fucker a Nobel Prize.

#2. 30 DAYS OF NIGHT

This was far and away my favourite until a couple of weeks ago. I absolutely despise horror movies but this film was fucking dead on. I also hate Josh Hartnett like I hate anal rape or The Spice Girls, but I can’t deny this thing. Brand new take on Zombies, which basically amounts to business executives with blood beards, but they’re scary as shit. Only problem with the film is when the corrupt cop from BATMAN BEGINS rams his tractor thing into the building for no apparent reason.

#1. GONE BABY GONE

People either like Matt Damon or they like Ben Affleck. I’m with the latter, and I was since GOOD WILL HUNTING. But as much as I like stupid, repugnant shit like REINDEER GAMES and GIGLI, there’s absolutely no doubt directing is Affleck’s true calling. His debut is ridiculously assured and his broseph Casey is fantastic in the lead. Michelle Monaghan looks a little short of her usual erection-inducing self, but Amy Ryan gives the performance of the fucking year as Helene Mcready.

Where have you sinners gone?

Another year has gone by, another year we are older,
Optimistic for the next year to be golder,
Because the year before caused much pain,
Things you wish not to be reminded of again.

Everyone comes alive on the last ten seconds,
Ten more to go, ten more and it finally ends,
A fresh clean start, like a baby born,
Devoid of lies, sins, deceit and scorn.

For an instant, one should stop to think,
What made ones heart so hard, what made it sink?
A look around you, friends and family beside,
To bring you through the pains of the next year, to be your guide.

So soften that stone, forget about the hurt inflicted,
the very pain that made you blinded,
There are more important things to be minded,
Than that girl you accidentally impregnated.

That being said, don’t regret anything done in the past year,
The pain has become a part of you, it built your character,
But still, I sincerely hope that your next 366 days,
Will be filled with adventure, fun, with little dismays.

Happy New Year from Suckball to you.

This

I have the usher line.

And I spent the rest of the night, wondering why I couldn’t breathe properly, why my left nostril was sticky.

I soon realised that the gummy bear went up my left nostril because I when I dug my nose, my finger turned blue. 18 hours later, I am still breathing in blue gummy + snot.

Yummy.

To be honest, I’m pretty disappointed at where Suckball is today. Back in 2002/2003(?), we were achieving some 1,000 unique visitors a day, and thousands more returning. There are a few sites that have suckball as their stepping stone to their fame today, the most famous being xiaxue without doubt. I vowed that Suckball will never die, and here it is slowing dying out with 300-500 uniques a day, most of whom i’m convinced are perverts, hoping to see vacuum action with testicles.

The reason for the lack of updates (on my part anyway) is because I absolutely hate our current layout, how our articles are archived (and lost), so it is demoralizing working with this shitty WordPress interface. Excuses aside, now that my finals and commitments are over, I’ll be spending a significant amount of time on Suckball, and maybe get this alive and kicking again.

And just because people like looking at photos, here are three photos encompassing the coolest people i’ve met all semester.

Asgar from Denmark

Marine from France, Reyhan from England

Ian from Portugal