Like most people, I like to exercise my brain and let my thoughts run away with me. I often wonder what I a full blown bout of involuntary anal leakage would look like metaphorically represented by film, alas, I wonder no more, as Ghost Rider is pretty much as accurate a representation of the pain, suffering and general discomfort an affliction like involuntary anal leakage would produce.

This movie is absolutely horrific on so many levels. This movie sucks on levels not even known to man. Or the devil.

JOHNNY BLAZE aka. GHOST RIDER

I only watched this movie because Nicolas Cage is my favourite actor. Without him this movie would have been absolutely intolerrable. With him, I’d give it a half out of ten. Thousand. And about a quarter of that half was down to Eva Mendes’ breasts (more on that later).

Thankfully, I know that Cage is a huge comic book geek with a Ghost Rider tattoo and so I can delude myself into believing he only took the project because of his interest in the source material and said tattoo. I refuse to believe he signed up because he read the script and thought yep that looks like a winner. It would be like looking at the script for Leprechaun in the Hood 8: Die Mofo Die and thinking it looked like a winner.

Cage does what Cage does which is basically what Johnny Depp does only better. He brings his typical brand of cool and quirkiness to the role which is basically its only saving grace since every other thing about this movie reeks of my ass. Whenever he becomes Ghost Rider the movie instantly descends into complete crap. Every single one liner in this movie blows.

ROXANNE SIMPSON aka. BREASTY MCBREASTS

Is it me or does Eva Mendes have the moistest face in the universe? She looks like a fucking oil slick. An oil slick with a great set of cans. She got stood up at a tree by Johnny Blaze thirtyish years ago and then she got stood up by him at a restaurant and then she’s in love with him. It’s like Casablanca only with motorbikes.

BLACKHEART aka. WORST VILLAIN EVER

I have absolutely no idea the thought process behind casting the faggy kid from American Pie as the ultimate bad ass who defied the devil and now wants to raise hell on Earth. THe only notable power this guy has is the power to grow sideburns.

We don’t actually see him do anything of note except make some trailer hick turn black. HE IS DANGEROUS. When he ultimately faces off with Ghost Rider he dies because he looks into Ghost Rider’s eyes. Yep, it’s that stupid.

THE PANTHEON OF VILLAINS

If you deny that anything sucks in this movie you cannot possibly deny that its the villains. These guys would have trouble being the most hard-assed on an episode of Friends. Let’s have a quick re-cap on how Ghost Rider disposes of each of them:

Earth: This guy rams a truck into Ghost Rider. He marvels at the astuteness of his execution and then Ghost Rider taps him on the shoulder, laughs and then he’s dead.

Wind: This guy appears on the rooftop where Ghost Rider has just driven up a skyscraper for no apparent reason. He then pushes the Rider and then flies around laughing at nothing. Then Ghost Rider spins his chain around and it ignites into flames and then the wind guy is dead.

Water: Nicolas Cage is riding through a swamp and then suddenly he is pulled underwater by the Water guy. He should have died without question since he was being choken WHILST being held underwater but suddenly his face ignites and he’s Ghost Rider and then the Water guy is dead.

Since the villains were based on the elements I have to assume there might have been another one (fire) although it’s understandable I might have missed its death since Ghost Rider probably just looked at him and then that was it.

CONCLUSION

Well this is the movie’s conclusion not my actual conclusion: After dispensing with the son of the Devil with the help of a busty reporter and a SHOTGUN, the Devil appears to tell Blaze he’s taking the curse back. In a fantastic twist, Johnny Blaze doesn’t let him. How?

He says no.

That’s it. You know that you cannot fuck with a ‘no’. That shit is binding. I don’t care if you’re the Devil and you I don’t know where the one to GIVE the power. Once Cage says no, all bets are off.

Fuck this movie sucks.