Some things don’t change. The sun will rise and set every day, Louis will disappear after updating, Orlando Bloom will use a bow and arrow in every one of his movies, and Tom Cruise will always be a psychopath. To that end I am really bored on a Saturday and do what I usually like to do when I have nothing on my rung of stuff to do other than take a dump or watch an episode of Friends that I’ve already seen about sixteen thousand times.

Let’s talk about film! There are a number of people I know who are not the brightest. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something. Plato said that I think. Whatever. Anyway I’m going to prove him wrong because I don’t have anything in particular to say, but neither am I a fool. Well..

James’ Ultimate List of Movies You Will Want To See I Promise You

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

Positives: Brad Pitt and Sam Rockwell. Even though the latter is probably gay. Brad Pitt could make a film about a fart that George Bush had while sitting in the bath tub awesome. Jesse James is really cool so it would seem like a perfect fit although I’ve been fooled by that preconception before when I heard about Kelsey Grammer for Beast. What an idiot I was.

Negatives: It also stars Ben Affleck’s faggy brother who was previously faggy in Ocean’s Eleven and Twelve. Rock.

The Break UpPositives: I’m pretty sure this film will be sanctuary for almost every man on the face of the Earth, much like Wedding Crashers was last year. I’m not sure you people quite understand the job Vince Vaughn is doing for you by being in these Romantic Comedies every year. He provides you at least some comic relief. Could you imagine your girlfriend dragging you to a Freddie Prinze Jr movie? Or one where Ben Affleck and Sandra Bullock fall in love IN WALMART? Or one where Wolverine travels in time and falls in love with Meg Ryan. I watched that one for an ex-girlfriend trust me its not worth it.

Negatives: None. No Vince Vaughn film can have faults unless it also stars JOHN TRAVOLTA.

Die Hard 4.0

Positives: It’s a fucking Die Hard film for godssakes.

Negatives: I never understand why that woman who played Holly Genero never came back for Die Hard with a Vengeance. It’s not like she was off winning Oscars or something, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her in another film. What past-time can possibly be more fulfilling than being in a movie with Bruce Willis and Samuel L Jackson and features the line “Yippee Kay-Yay Mother Fucker”.

The FountainPositives: Darren Aronofsky. Ignoring the fact that it stars the guy who starred in the aforementioned life-threatening Meg Ryan time-travelling romantic comedy. Requiem for a Dream was one of the best films ever made but I refuse to ever see that fucker again.

Negatives: The fact that it stars the guy who starred in the aforementioned life-threatening Meg Ryan time-travelling romantic comedy.

Zodiac

Positives: David Fincher is in my opinion (outside of Steven “Obviously” Spielberg) the greatest director of all time.

Negatives: As we have seen Fincher can only make good films when he has a charismatic lead. That basically means Brad Pitt. He’s got Pitt lined up for his film after this one, why he’s rocking this one with Jake Gylenhaal who is about as heterosexual as gay anal rape is beyond me.

Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny

Positives: Jack Black. I have absolutely no idea what this film is about or will possibly entail, but it’s probably gonna just be Jack Black rocking out and being stupid.

Negatives: I can’t see any.

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky BobbyPositives: Will Ferrell is 9 times out of 10 shit your pants funny. Also, the trailer featured a bunch of half naked women, one of whom lifted up her shirt and had a rack you could mounter a server in.

Negatives: 1 times out of 10 Will Ferrell is a fucking idiot.

A Scanner Darkly

Positives: Trippy. Trippy. And a score by Radiohead.

Negatives: The book fucking sucks. And Keanu Reeves (outside of The Matrix) pounces on shitty scripts like a kodiac bear stalking a fucking salmon.

Pirates of the Carribbean: Dead Man’s Whatever bum fuck whatever yeah hhh

Positives: This is my political one. It’s gonna be alright, there’s no doubt. But it just gets dragged down because Orlando Bloom is such a faggot. And Johnny Depp gets way more praise than he deserves. The music is AWESOME though I’ll give them that.

Negatives: Whatever..

And finally to save the best for last…

300

Positives: If you haven’t read the source material, it’s fantastical. Louis always asks me what good movies are coming out and my answer is ALWAYS 300. I bet he still hasn’t checked it out, so here I’m going to spell it out. It’s written by Frank Miller (Sin City) and it is the story of the ancient battle of Thermoplyae in which King Leonidas and 300 Spartans fought to the death against Xerxes and his Persian army that outnumbered them 100,000 to one. Awesome.

Wow I’ve written enough there.