Summer Box Office Preview
At work we have this annual Summer Box Office Prediction Contest. And while I was doing some research, I figured why not write this shit up, tell you people what to watch this summer, so you might avoid watching shit. In the past two weeks I’ve seen NEVER BACK DOWN and 21. NEVER BACK DOWN was so bad it almost made my eyes puke, and 21 pretty much made my brain puke. Talk about the worst ever explanation of the Monty Hall Paradox ever. People need to start watching good movies.
Oh, and I only have seven so far. RED BELT is something I definitely looking forward to, since David Mamet is one of my fucking heroes, but that film has as much chance of making good money, as I have of living where I do and eating good Chinese. The only Chinese restaurant here has “Chinese Pizza” on the menu! Chinese Pizza! As if there is such a thing!
#07 WALL - E
To be honest, I could give a shit about Pixar films. I haven’t seen any that I’ve really liked. I know that’s borderline blasphemous, but whatever. I hate them. This one is - from what I can tell - a feature length film with little to no dialogue? Fuck off.
#06 WANTED
This film looks fucking ridiculous but damnit I like it. Morgan Freeman continues to push his creative boundaries by taking on the role of old, wise, freckled black man. Angelina Jolie plays Assassin Who Doesn’t Know When To Quit With The Eye Shadow. James McAvoy plays a regular joe who turns out can actually bend bullets. Nice.
#05 IRON MAN
Robert Downey Jr. is about to have a fucking banner year. The advertising campaign for this flick hasn’t missed a beat, every trailer, every tv-spot, every poster has been a home run. The only thing keeping it so low on the list is my expectation that people are mostly stupid.
#04 THE DARK KNIGHT
If this were a perfect world this film would make so much money people would hear the figure and just fall over dead. Everything about this thing looks badass. The viral campaign is starting to do my head in, but fuck all that shit. There are probably question marks over every film on this list, save for this one. There is basically no chance at all that this film will be anything but a masterpiece. Also, don’t worry about those rumors some of Heath Ledger’s scenes might be cut, I’ve had trusted sources confirm to me that the whole thing is bullshit.
#03 HANCOCK
Great concept, great star. Just a solid money-maker, right here. Jason Bateman is one of the funniest people on the planet, but he can’t open a movie on his own. Thankfully the lead is Will Smith, who at this point could be filmed taking a dump on a nun’s face and still open to $200m. Charlize Theron will do her best not to be outdone but she’ll really just be there for aesthetic purposes.
#02 TROPIC THUNDER
No doubt about it this will be the funniest movie of the year. I’ve been privileged enough to see some footage from this flick and Robert Downey Jr. is sick. There’s also what has now become a fairly well known secret cameo by a fairly well hated actor that will turn everyone back to his side. I’ve wanted to beat Ben Stiller to death with a shovel for years now, but he will redeem the shit out of himself this year.
#01 INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL
I could care less about a new Indy movie, but there is no doubt in my gd mind that this film will make over a bazillion dollars. In fact it might make so much money that money itself becomes obsolete. We will start bartering with diamonds and Rolexes or something.