I apologise that I’ve been kind of AWOL for about 3 months, most people know that I was in Australia with my girlfriend, and following that, well I was in KL for about 5 days but I barely did anything as I grappled with jet-lag and bought as many DVDs as possible. I’ve been home for about a week, but long-distance relationshiping doesn’t come cheap and neither does university so I’ve been trying my best to work as hard as possible. (This website provides me with ZERO dollars)

 

 

By the way if you haven’t read a review of mine before, there will be lots of SPOILERS.

Anyway what an awful awful movie. The plot of this film can basically be summed up like this: Superman returns to Earth in a reject from Arnie’s Running Man wardrobe and then for about 2 hours its a series of set-ups for Superman to save someone just in the nick of time, accentuated with the occasional moment of mind-numbing stupidity.

Another way to sum up this movie is with the question, if you ever wondered what being punched in the nuts was like, here’s your answer.

The movie was so bad I wanted to hurt myself. Lux Luthor’s big plan was to take a hulking billion dollar inheritance and gamble it on big gay crystal islands that grow out of the sea like sea monkeys. Give me a fucking break. And he’s going to defend these islands from the wrath of the collective armies of planet Earth + Superman how? With a bunch more of these water crystals and three henchmen, one of whom is the Indian guy from Harold and Kumar go to White Castle.

And you don’t have to know anything about comic books per se to know that Superman’s Achille’s Heel is Kryptonite, just being in its presence makes him critically weak. Over-looking the concept that there might just happen to be a nice ripe for the taking chunk of said inter-stellar chemical at the exact moment Superman happens to return, there are still a million things wrong with the application of Kryptonite in this movie:

Exhibit A: Superman lands on a big hunk of Kryptonite to NO ADVERSE EFFECTS WHATSOEVER UNTIL LEX LUTHOR PUSHES HIM IN THE CHEST

Exhibit B: Superman is then STABBED with a big sharp piece of Kryptonite and almost drowns but then is A okay because Cyclops flies down and Lois pulls him to safety okay am I the only one getting bored of this

Exhibit C: Superman then proceeds to get angry and so picks up what is essentially still an ENORMOUS PIECE OF FUCKING KRYPTONITE and then fly it up into space.

The movie then becames getting your balls flicked for logic, but then they choose to top off the whole fiasco by having Superman fall from space and JUST SO HAPPEN to fall and land in the exact same city.

From space.

He fell from the depths of space and landed right back in Metropolis.

From space.

Space.

My god this movie is stupid. Further points of aggrovation were the constant Superman-Stalker scenes, the absolutely ridiculous Son of Superman sub-plot and anything involving that junior reporter who looks like Shia Lebeouf but isn’t.

 

Will they won’t they will they won’t they? WHO GIVES A SHIT 

I’d say this movie is slightly worse than Pirates of the Carribbean 2, but only slightly. And that’s probably only because of the expectation (all of the Superman films have sucked get over it) and the fact that about once every 20 minutes Johnny Depp was remotely Jack Sparrow from the first movie. Spiderman 3 will be the best comic book movie ever and I can’t wait for the Transformers movie even if that teaser they released is shite and it stars a rapper from the Fast and the Furius 2, and the guy who for some reason thinks its a good idea to date Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas.

Anyway following this article, if Louis does his work, he has a video ready to be edited which is awesome.