World Cup season is almost on us (24 days or something like that) so lets take a look at the guys that will most likely be holding the cup once its all over.

 

Not the right team but whatever
Top row, from left to right: Lupe Fiasco, an English Professor, an extra from American History X, Rivaldo, a penis wearing the Brazil Jersey, a guy who seems about as excited to be there as I do when my girlfriend drags me into a pottery store
Bottom row, from left to right: One of the super vampires from Blade II, that annoying guy from Office Space, that annoying guy from the Brazil squad, Pablo Escobar, Romario (CHEER THE FUCK UP)

Dida

There was a time when I thought Dida was the greatest penalty stopper of all time. That was before I saw Jose Reina defy all laws of logic constantly. He’s gone downhill a bit since last year, but he’s still the same Dida: about 26 feet tall with hands like giant baseball gloves.

Roberto Carlos

I read somewhere recently that Roberto Carlos was past it. Give me a fucking break. He’s still - despite what any English commentator will admit - consistantly the best performer at Real Madrid, and I’m pretty sure if the Earth was ever facing electrical problems, he could power the entire world by running on a treadmill for the rest of his life.

Cafu

I don’t like Cafu. But he’s better than Cicinho.

Lucio

The problem with Brazil is their defence. That’s almost redundant. Like saying Paris Hilton is a ho. Lucio is good though even though he looks like one of those killer monkeys in Congo. I honestly believe Lucio is on some form of medication that wears off after about half an hour. Watch him, he’ll play well and conservatively for a while and then after about half an hour of any game, he’ll suddenly take the ball from the keeper and then for no apparent reason run all the way up the field like the lone fucking ranger. It’s awesome.

Juan

Probably the only genuine way to beat Brazil is to wait for Lucio to go one of his runs, immediately swarm him and then break on Juan. He’s an average defender but he’s nothing special. His competition for the centre back spot is Roque Jr who is quite possibly the worst defender in the world. A quick look at his CV: came to Leeds United on loan, played four games, got sent off, Leeds got relegated. He then moved to Cologne for this season and worked his magic there, they’ve finished bottom of the league. Actually now that I think about it Luisao was good at centre half for Benfica.. Whatever I already wrote a paragraph.

Emerson

He isn’t what he used to be that’s for sure. He’s old and slow now although that said he is the rock the best team in Serie A is based around.

Kaka

If Kaka wasn’t so greedy he’d be in the top five players in the world. I used to like him a lot but the more I see of him the less I like him. He has ridiculous balance and can strike a ball like Ike Turner strikes his wife but he’s too greedy at Milan. That said it might be because every other attacking player on the team is useless and only marginally worse than the Shevchenko aka. the most overrated player in the world not called Frank Lampard.

Ronaldinho

Saying sitting deep against Brazil is a good way to beat them is like saying Dungeons and Dragons is a good way to pick up chicks. If you give Ronaldinho time he’ll just slice right through you. I’ll welcome controversy by stating my absolute belief that he’s only the second best player in the world. But he is light years ahead of everyone else in the world (except Thierry).

Ze Roberto

Ze Roberto is like the cool guy at the party’s little brother who got brought along for the fun just because they have the same mom.

Adriano

Hopefully once Mancini gets the boot from Inter and Cappello comes in, the team will get back on track and Adriano will return to the form that he had last season. There’s really no legitimate way to defend against Adriano other than bottled mace and a stun gun. For example, this defender does absolutely nothing wrong, but look what happens. LOOK

Ronaldo

I still think that on his day Ronaldo can be the best striker in the world. The thing that you Real Madrid and casual La Liga watchers don’t get is that Ronaldo just doesn’t fucking like you.