Wow I totally threw up that last article basically because I had a sudden urge to write about stuff that I’m not paid to write about at my other job. Okay, actually I AM paid to write about hot chicks, but I don’t have a cool column where I can rate them and say mean things about Fergie (as if her wrinkled ass she calls a face doesn’t warrant them). The fact that two comments immediately appeared, and weren’t trying to sell viagra or penis enlargers (where did you guys go?), got me all warm inside and so now, after working a 7 hour shift at a law firm, before coming home and working a 6 hour shift at my writing job, instead of sleeping or whacking off I’m gonna write about fucking P Diddy. Not actually fucking P Diddy, you understand. It’s sad that it’s absolutely plausible you could wake up tomorrow morning and P Diddy may have officially changed his name to ‘Fucking P Diddy’.

Anyway, I was watching television yesterday and I heard what I thought sounded like a song that is very special to me; Mario Winans - I Don’t Wanna Know. Now we all know for a fact that this song is a big piece of shit. Don’t agree? Well:

a) Diddy stole a slowed down sample of Enya’s ‘BOADICEA’
b) This slowed down sample of had already been stolen by The Fugees back in 1996 (Diddy didn’t know about this because back then he was still trying to get a degree or some shit. He would later dedicate the degree to Biggie)
c) After all that flagrant intellectual property theft, the song still sucks

RIP. NOTORIOUS BIG, thanks for the memories

Anyway, my point was that I thought I heard the song. And I was thinking fuck I cannot hear this song (the first time I heard it I met my ex-girlfriend and it makes me die inside), let me change the channel. Suddenly I realised it was in fact a ‘new’ song from Winans. Obviously Diddy was in tow, standing in the background, saying ‘touch me’, ‘can you feel me’ and generally taking a shit on creative lyricism. He would dedicate the shit to Biggie.

So somehow this kid has released two songs over a three year period and the mother fucker has about a billion times more money than me. I JUST WORKED TWO JOBS IN A ROW ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I’d say fuck Diddy, but he’d dedicate the fuck to Biggie and use it to sell records.

Do we agree that this songs sounds pretty much like I Don’t Wanna Know?. Sure the weird background beat is basically identical, but what really binds the two songs is that they both feel like a hemorrhage. I seriously have no idea how Diddy has basically an enormous pile of money. He probably has three dicks made of gold, silver and frankinscense at this point. He only dedicates the gold one to Biggie. Fuck dedicating silver to the big man.

A SHORT ANALYSIS OF HOW TOUCHING DIDDY’S MAJOR ARTISTIC TRIBUTE TO BIGGIE IS

How this is a tribute to Biggie is fucking beyond me. There was only one reason this thing was made: love. Hah, right. No, the correct answer is MONEY. Diddy does nothing but wear a t-shirt with the guy’s face on it. Fuck, Missy Elliot wears matching Aaliyah t-shirt/jeans/jacket/trucker hat combos in like every video. I’d wear a Hitler beret if it meant Neo-Nazis would dump cash in my lap. Here’s a short list of things that feature in this video that have an incredible significance to the life and musical career of The Notorious B.I.G., since after all this is a tribute to the man:

1. Lots of Sean John sushi
2. Nelly topless in a bath tub with two chicks.
3. Pharrell dressed like a cowboy/skater hybrid
4. A chick massaging Diddy while wearing diamond encrusted brass knuckles
5. Diddy pointing at his t-shirt
6. Jagged Edge say ‘Biggie’ twice and ‘BIG’ once
7. The random guy who says ‘uh, uh’
8. Fat Joe in a blue room
9. Everyone pretty much acting like they just won the fucking lottery. Inside they’re sad about his passing, though. That’s acting people.

RIP. NOTORIOUS BIG, thanks for ALL THE MONEY