I don’t know about you guys but I google myself every now and then. I do quite a lot of stuff on the internet and I now work as a writer for another website, so I had a quick search to see what was going on in the world of me. Anyway, while I did find several of my pieces, I also cannot help but be overwhelmed by the attention my festering piece of shit song that I wrote is getting, especially since unlike the other songs which were done for the whole safe-sex initiative in England, mine is actually getting fairly regular radio play. Feel free to check it out, if you listen to it with an open mind and your expectations are as low as possible I guarantee that you won’t be disappointed.

Anyway, the point of this is to bring attention to just how ridiculously poor R&B is today, if people genuinely think that the song I wrote - which I can only describe as “less than turd-ly” - is something they’d like to listen to. This is genuinely how I actually got into writing the song:

Some 50 Cent music video just finishes… an advert starts, which would eventually be for a nationwide competition to find the best song-writer to write music for a Safe Sex campaign… I’m watching it with my brother, Jon

Me: 50 Cent blows.
Jon: Nah, he’s the future.
Me: Mos Def is the way.
Jon: What the fuck do you know about rap music anyway?
Me: I’ll show you, mother fucker.

And that was it. I basically went upstairs, took out a piece of paper, and wrote down the most half-assed collection of corny phrases and rounded it off with a little bit of the captain obvious moral lesson, to make the whole thing come together like ass cheeks.

I would at first glance consider it ludicrous to believe that people like my song. But a quick reflection on the state of R&B right now tells its own story:

DIDDY FEAT. KEYSHIA COLE - LAST NIGHT

This song is abominal. Over the piss poor clap clap beat is some of the worst lyrics I have ever heard. However, I’ve been known to hum along to THE GIRL ON TV by LFO, which has words that can only have come together by chance, so I can generally forgive shit like that, except to appreciate this song you have to deal with the sound of DIDDY trying his level best to carry a tune. And it’s just physically impossible. I don’t know who the fuck on god’s green earth told DIDDY he could sing because he just can’t. And it’s a shame and also a comedy that in the video with him is KEYSHIA COLE who has probably one of the best vocal ranges in R&B right now. It’s unfortunate that it’s basically a rite of passage right now that if you want to be a successful black musician right now you have to get railed by DIDDY.

Making the band is one of my favourite TV shows and it gains a whole new appeal now because I get to watch DIDDY repeatedly tell people that “You’ll never make it in showbiz if you can’t sing playboy”. Talk about hypocrisy.

ROBIN THICKE - LOST WITHOUT YOU

Robin Thicke is what would happen if Ricky Martin and Orlando Bloom stopped trying to fool people into thinking they were even the least bit heterosexual and made a baby. And then if that baby grew up, new reached puberty and then decided he was Justin Timberlake, he would pretty much be the guy in this video.

I don’t even want to say this song is a piece of shit because it’s so blatantly obvious.

CRIME MOB FEAT. LIL SCRAPPY - ROCK YO HIPS

This song would be great if I hadn’t heard it a million times before. Like maybe if NELLY and all those other similar sounding rappers hadn’t reamed out a billion songs that sound exactly like this. Also, I don’t want to be harsh but the chick with the blonde hair in the video is so ugly, if I saw her in an alley late at night, I’d give her about 5 seconds to prove she was human before I smashed her in the face and ran like the chick in THRILLER.

This song perpetuates the commonly held theory amongst rap artists that having a bunch of people bounce around is basically the ultimate aesthetic. I don’t know who started this shit but it has to stop.

Now, let me take you on a journey back to when Rap music was good…

and the man Mos Def himself…

And also, I want to talk for a moment about who I perceive to be the greatest freestyle rapper of all time. Someone asked me this the other day, and I honestly believe that the best freestyle battle rapper ever to grace a mic is an Asian. I know he gets a lot of heat because his debut track was a piece of shit, but I have no doubt in my mind that JIN is best ever. I’m not at all going to try to make like JIN is the best rapper ever, a lot of people can write a lot better than he can. But off the top of his head? No way.

Bare with this video because Jin absolutely mercs this clown:

And by the way Louis, that’s how you embed a video =)