So the final trailer for X-Men 3 is supposed to drop on Monday, it therefore seems like as good a time as ever to wax lyrical about just how awful this film looks.

The first teaser trailer that came out a while back was a combination of cool and oh my fucking god what the hell is that. You might be wondering just how changing the director but maintaining the principle cast would work out, if the trailer is anything to go by then it is probably much like the way that the Nazi party slowly ate away at the underbelly of German society.

Whoever pieced this shit heap of a trailer together clearly subscribes to the Brazilian football philosophy of lets just push all the good shit we have into as little space as possible together and let shit fly.

The most important thing I think we notice in the trailer is that its a fairly safe bet that Cyclops is a gonner. This is huge, and may in fact be the film’s one saving grace. I’ve lost complete understanding as to whether Cyclops was always the closest thing to a visual image of Paris Hilton stood on a pile of stillborn babies sucking off Fred Durst, or whether it’s just because I played way too much Marvel vs. Streetfighter with Louis and his punch super is way too big. Either way I will be glad to see him gone.

Especially since Jean Grey is back and now she and Wolverine will be free to get it on. I hope that they don’t play the whole I couldn’t do it to Cyclops card that they always seem to perpetuate in movies, when everyone knows that two members of the opposite sex who are into each other and also in the midst of saving the world will always ultimately at least get to third base.

Although that said it seemed in the trailer we’re pushing from Jean Grey to Pheonix and that basically means instead of fucking around she’s gonna be angry all the time and more into causing general mayhem than getting it on with a guy who has sideburns that could put out fires.

My favourite part of the trailer is that Asian dude from the first Rush Hour film who has bleach blonde hair and says BOY-SHEE-AW to Jackie Chan and then runs away. He’s behind Magneto when he’s giving his ‘we are the cure yes thats right for the third straight movie im making this same speech’ speech, stood next to Juggernaut. He’s stood there scowling and the only thing that I’m thinking is he fits into this movie like a black guy at a Celine Dion concert.

Oh yeah Juggernaut. I’ve spoken about my love for Juggernaut before but from the looks of it he is resigned to being a secondary character here. That is bullshit. The only person in the history of the X-Men that could beat Juggernaut was Onslaught and that was only because he removed the Cyttorak crystal from his chest and he was therefore no longer Juggernaut (TECHNICALITY). I’m 99.9% certain of that fact since I worked in a comic shop for a year and read when I was supposed to be working. Even the Hulk couldn’t beat Juggernaut, who is like the fakest of stupid super heroes ever to grace the Marvel universe. He punched Juggernaut through a mountain and thought he won but Juggernaut was just sat on the other side like shit thats all you got. Collossus is on the X3 posters, I swear to god if thats what the writers were going for a big guy vs. big guy thing and he fights Juggernaut and wins I will kill somebody.

Anyway he’s always played in the movie by a REGULAR SIZED Vinnie Jones. What a bunch of shit. I’ve spoken before about how Juggernaut alone should in theory be enough to beat the entire X-Men team into paste. And you’re telling me he’s played by a normal Vinnie Jones with a helmet on? Roy Keane wasn’t scared of Vinnie Jones, you’re telling me a guy who an ademantium skeleton and blades coming out of his knuckles is gonna be scared of him?

That is the only cool image in the trailer.

But who knows maybe X-3 will be saved by having Halle Berry and then Famke Janssen walk down the stairs of the mansion with their nipples showing in quick succession like they did in the last film. But this one won’t have Brian Cox as Stryker. LOL COX. COCKS.

One of my dream girls Ellen Page (just the right amount of cute) has also been added to the cast as the producers continue the seemingly impossible battle to balance out Anna Paquin’s ugliness. Actually that should be what X3 is about, the X-Men banding together to offset the unrelenting hideousness that are Anna Paquin’s looks. God she’s ugly. They’ll probably cast Angelina Jolie and Rachel McAdams in X-Men 4 just to stand in the background and make out whenever Rogue is forced to do something on camera.

Okay I’m pretty much out except to say that I can’t believe Bryan Singer dumped this project to go work on the fagan Superman Returns film.